As a porn addiction recovery coach, I see clients of all backgrounds - religious and irreligious. Christianity and porn addiction often go hand-in-hand in my experience. I know that they did for me.
I love my faith, but the reality is that many Christians carry burdensome shame about their sexuality, and others about their porn habit. This sexual shame is part of what drives the addiction.
Many of us grew up being taught (explicitly or implicitly) that sexuality is dangerous, and is to be feared and strictly controlled. We were taught that physical attraction or desiring a woman is sinful, “inappropriate”, or immoral.
Fear of sexuality was often unconsciously used by our parents and ecclesiastical leaders to prevent us from committing sexual sin or degrading our bodies with promiscuous sexual acts.
I understand this tendency to use fear as a motivator, and I know that many of these parents and leaders are well-meaning. Unfortunately, though, what many often do not understand is that this approach to preventing sexual promiscuity is damaging and fills people with sexual shame. Not only that, but paradoxically it can actually drive the promiscuity it seeks to inhibit.
In today's episode, I explore these topics with you. I also talk about why Christians may struggle with porn addiction more than anyone else, and how a perfectionistic relationship with God can be one of the foundational drivers of pornography addiction. I also discuss psychological and lifestyle methods you can use to overcome religious shame, strengthen your faith, and stop porn addiction.
Exploring the Intersection of Christianity and Porn Addiction
There are so many beautiful teachings from the Bible, Christian literature, ministers, and churches. But I feel we do ourselves a disservice when our teachings veer from compassionate and loving to judgmental and controlling.
This judgment and control drives fear. And addiction is, in part, a coping mechanism to mask both unconscious and conscious feelings of fear, such as feeling unsafe, unloved, and not good enough.
The Role of Cognitive Dissonance
Many can experience a conflict between their faith and their porn addiction, creating cognitive dissonance. This leads to stress, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. This can perpetuate the addiction cycle.
Purity, Abstinence, and Avoiding Lustful Behavior
Christian teachings often emphasize purity, abstinence, and avoiding lustful behavior. This is really good! I think we should seek to bridle our passions so that we can direct them into pursuits and relationships that are noble and worthwhile.
Sexual energy is a force that can be transmuted into many different forms. It’s not only for sex. It is a drive that can be used to adventure, serve, love, and be spontaneous. So, if we squander it on meaningless or lustful pursuits, we are doing ourselves and the world a disservice.
So, Christian faith is right to emphasize the pure and chaste use of sexual drive. It is a moral matter not simply because sexual promiscuity can hurt people, but because that promiscuity degrades our potential and the meaning of our lives. Where we go wrong though, I think, is in the emphasis of the use of fear to enforce this morality.
This fear creates a heightened sense of shame and guilt for those who struggle with porn addiction, and can make it far more difficult for them to emerge from the addiction.
It also creates shame and guilt for children, teens, and adults who have sexual feelings, and then fear, judge, or attempt to resist those feelings. I believe this has caused many of us to pursue isolated or “forbidden” sexual acts that cause us to feel dirty or empty inside.
Why?
Because unconsciously we believe that sex is dirty and forbidden, therefore when we experience sexual feelings, where do we unconsciously channel them? Into acts that are dirty, isolated, forbidden, and empty. How else would we treat something that we view so negatively?
If we can instead learn and teach that sexual feelings are acceptable, human, healthy parts of who we are then we may decrease this fear and isolation.
Then, the sexual feelings won’t have such a strong, obsessive draw. Because anything that we resist and fight we often become obsessed with. Psychologist Carl Jung taught this truth when he said, “What you resist persists.”
Instead, if we can acknowledge and appreciate sexual feelings - seeing them as a positive, valuable, and precious part of who we are - then we will have an easier time allowing them to pass through us, rather than fixating on them.
And you might think, “But, Jake, these feelings have ruined my life.” I understand that. But part of the reason behind why they have taken this role is how you viewed these feelings since you were a child.
The key is neither to inhibit nor disinhibit sexual feelings, but instead to accept them. While there are many components that contribute to making this eventual switch, just the simple act of appreciating rather than condemning the sexual parts of us can help.
Shame and Its Role in Addiction
When we look down upon, judge, and try to resist the sexual parts of our psyche, we become filled with shame. We wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I have these sexual feelings? Why can’t I just control myself?”
This is particularly true when we struggle with a porn addiction. We may believe that our addiction is a moral failing; that if we were just a stronger person we would not struggle with this. We blame ourselves for being too lazy, too lustful, or too uncommitted to overcome porn addiction.
We define ourselves as an “addict”, and believe that God must be disappointed in us or punishing us for failing to meet His expectations.
The Psychology of Shame
When we believe that God is looking down on us for being an addict, reprimanding us from His throne up in heaven, and sending curses down upon us for messing up, it can be pretty hard not to be loaded with shame.
Shame differs from guilt in this way. Guilt says, “I made a mistake”. Shame says, “I am a mistake”. When we suffer with addiction, we can often conflate the two.
It can be very challenging to determine whether I am feeling shame or guilt when I’ve grown up with the habit of shaming myself for everything. For some of us, shame is our automatic response.
The trouble with shame, though, is that it is a form of fear. Fear of rejection, fear that I am bad, fear that I don’t match up, that I’m too much, that I'm not enough, or that I’m alone. And all of these fears are at the root of why we escape to addiction in the first place - including porn addiction.
It’s a distraction from our unconscious shame and fear.
Religious Shame vs. Constructive Accountability
Some Christian teachings, when misinterpreted, can foster shame rather than promoting healing and growth.
I believe that Christ stands for love, compassion, and understanding always. Even when this means we must suffer for a time in order to learn and grow so we may become more peaceful, loving people in the long run if we accept the challenge to do so.
One of my favorite stories that illustrates this is Christ and the Woman Taken in Adultery.
The religious leaders of Jerusalem bring a woman before Jesus right after she is caught in the act of adultery; a sin equal to murder at that time.
They say that the law states she should be stoned. They ask Jesus what he has to say.
After giving it some thought, Jesus says, “He that is without sin, cast the first stone.”
At these words, the scribes and Pharisees leave. The woman is huddled on the ground, filled with shame and despair. She’s broken.
Jesus then kneels down next to her and asks, “Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?”
The woman says, “No man, Lord.”
Jesus then says, “Neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more.”
Where is the judgment? Where is the moment when Christ says, “What were you thinking?”, “Don’t you know you shouldn’t do this?”, “How could you be so foolish?”, “Get your act together!” After all, this woman just committed a heinous sin, equal to murder in the eyes of the Jews. Shouldn’t she receive some kind of reprimand? Even just a little?
No. Christ doesn’t take that approach.
There is no fear here. There’s no sense that Jesus is trying to control her. There’s no reminder that she did a bad thing. Why? Because, I would think, inside she already knows that. Jesus doesn’t have to say it.
Also, notice that Christ has not waited for some kind of period of time for this woman to repent. He instantly forgives her. He tells her that she is not condemned.
In addition, Jesus did not say, “What you did was completely fine! I’m going to perform the Atonement, so it’s all taken care of anyway!” No. He said “Go, and sin no more.”
In other words, I believe Christ was telling her, “Hey, what you’re doing isn’t serving you. It’s hurting you, it’s hurting the people around you, and you’re going to need to learn how to overcome this if you want to find peace for yourself and your family.”
Empowering Porn Addiction Recovery Without Shame
Helping someone avoid sexual sin does not require us to manage or reprimand them. And being compassionate does not mean having no expectations or boundaries surrounding the porn addiction. It means understanding that hurtful behavior is not a result of someone being “bad”, but a reflection of pain underneath the surface. It is to understand there are reasons the “addict part” of their mind is seeking out a method of escape.
It’s helping someone know that you see them, they’re not a bad person, and you are here to listen to them. And it is also being honest and straightforward when necessary, out of love, and holding appropriate boundaries. And none of us are perfect at this balance, and that’s okay.
If you have a spouse who is addicted, and they’re open to it, they need someone to ask them loving questions about their porn addiction and what they’re going through. They also need someone to stand by them as they make incremental steps toward living with a recovery mindset and lifestyle.
God is the only one who truly knows the reasons behind someone’s pornography addiction. He has a perfect understanding and compassion for it. His Spirit can help a person in recovery discover the roots of their porn addiction, so they can work through and overcome them one by one.
Why Christians May Struggle More with Porn Addiction
Some may think Christians struggling with porn addiction is a sign that Christian faith is bad, harmful, or discompassionate. I don’t find this to be true at all. Instead I believe it is a reflection of how poor a job some of us do at implementing the pure truths of faith and gospel in ways that are loving, positive, and empowering.
As human beings, we are naturally prone towards fear, judgment, and desires for control. We may use these to influence ourselves or others to veer away from sexual feelings or acts. We may do this with “good intent”. But unfortunately, fear, judgment, and control fuel the very issue they attempt to solve. Psychologically, they inevitably drive obsession, fixation, and shame about sexuality, thus driving addiction to sex and porn.
The Hidden Nature of Porn Addiction in Faith Communities
The other unfortunate casualty of viewing sexuality as dangerous or evil, rather than positive and natural, is it ostracizes those suffering with porn addiction and makes them feel they are unsafe to come forward and get help with porn addiction.
This leaves many Christian men (and women) on the fringes, hiding their struggles, which further increases their shame. They believe if someone were to find out about their vice they would be at best judged or humiliated and at worst abandoned.
Again, this is not the Christian way. This is not what Christ taught. Christ moved towards those who were “sinners” or outcasts, and showed them they were important and worthy of saving. He showed them that they were never too far gone.
Misconceptions About “Praying the Problem Away”
Many in the Christian community are taught that “Jesus is the answer.”
I agree. He is the answer! But I believe that is because he inspires solutions and insights within our minds and hearts, so that we can make necessary changes to our mindset and lifestyle in order to decrease our susceptibility to addiction and increase our capacity for recovery.
Many advise addicts to pray that God will take away their addiction…Let me make something clear.
God’s not going to take away your addiction. He didn’t take away mine, and I have never met anyone else for whom that’s been the case.
Why?
Because His ultimate desire is for us to grow and become more selfless and loving, and that can’t happen without struggle. That can’t happen if He simply takes away all of our ailments and does things for us.
If you want to quit porn, don’t pray that God will take away your addiction. Instead, pray that you may lose your desire for your addiction over time. Pray that He reveal to you what skills you need to build in your mindset and lifestyle. Pray that He teach you what you need to start doing and stop doing in order to decrease your need for addiction and overcome the psychological root causes of your porn cravings.
The Paradox of Hyper-Focus on Sin
If you want to break free from pornography addiction, you won’t do so by focusing your attention on the addiction itself. An overemphasis on sin can unintentionally amplify the temptation to engage with porn, as suppression often leads to obsession.
Instead, get focused on those things that make up a sober life. Center your time and efforts on the good things in life that you want to build, so that over time they may replace your desire for pornography.
How Your Relationship with God Can Either Help or Hinder Your Porn Addiction Recovery
Some say that religion makes people miserable. Others say it makes people happy. Some say that they’ve been so much happier since they left their religion. Others say they don’t know how once lived without faith.
Which perspective is true? Both are.
Religion and faith in God does not necessarily equate happiness. Neither does being free of religion mean someone will be happy.
Any time I’ve seen a friend or family member leave their faith and state they are happier now because of it, I question what that faith meant for them. Was it a string of endless rules and boundaries, and a mechanism for self-judgment and self-punishment. Or was it a source of hope, strength, and meaning for their lives?
If you are struggling with a porn addiction, and you believe that God is a condemning, judgmental God, your relationship with him will probably make your addiction worse. It will probably fuel it.
Whereas if you believe that God is on your side, rooting for you, and here to inspire and help you, then your relationship with Him will aid your recovery.
Is this because God is cruel or unfair? No, it’s because you have agency. You are an agent unto yourself. God is not controlling you or your life.
The Role of Grace and Compassion in Recovery
If you believe God is against you then He will not force you to think otherwise. I believe He wants you to work through these false beliefs, and the burdens you carry underneath them, so that you can come to Him and believe in his unconditional love and compassion. But He cannot make you do this. It would go against His very nature as God.
A healthy relationship with God involves acknowledging imperfection and striving for progression. There is great power in accepting your flaws and speaking with God directly about them and your desires to change. But if you do this in a way that is self-flogging, begging God to forgive you, I believe that it will hurt your recovery.
This belief is in your own mind, not the truth being shared from God’s side of the street.
Faith as a Source of Strength
I believe there is no substitution for faith in God when it comes to quitting porn (or any addiction for that matter). Whether it can be proven or not, there is a power in prayer. There’s a power in the belief and hope built through it, in the psychology of it, and a power in the presence that is beyond us.
Most of us do not know what that power is for certain. We believe in what it is, and that’s beautiful.
I love the uncertainty, beauty, and mystery of faith. I love how people can find strength in so many different approaches to it, and I believe that faith is integral to losing your desire for addiction, as you pursue changes in your mindset and lifestyle to transform your approach to life and the way your brain functions.
Overcoming Religious Shame, Sexual Shame, and Quitting Porn
Overcoming religious shame and quitting porn go hand-in-hand.
I cannot say the number of Christian clients I’ve worked with who’ve told me that sex was not discussed in their home. It was taboo, secretive, an awkward topic, and viewed as dangerous. These clients continue to carry these beliefs into their adulthood, just as I did.
These beliefs are part of what unconsciously drives porn addiction. They are often linked with the belief that God sees sex as dirty, sinful, or immoral. Which is amazing, because He gave us the ability!
Because when we ostracize, are embarrassed by, judge, or attempt to stifle the sexual parts of ourselves, they will manifest themselves at one point or another in insecure or destructive ways. The answer is never to resist or stuff away a part of ourselves. These strategies only lead to harm.
When instead we appreciate, understand, and value the sexual parts of ourselves they can harmonize with our other parts and act positively in our lives.
This does not mean that we necessarily need to be having sex at all, but simply to gain a positive psychological relationship with the sexual parts of our psyche and our body - seeing them as positive, useful, and beautiful.
And if we are in a healthy, loving relationship with a spouse or partner who we are committed to, then we can further heal our sexuality by engaging in meaningful, loving sex where we serve, uplift, and communicate with our partner.
When we do this, sex can actually be a healing force in our journey to overcome pornography addiction.
Focusing on Identity in Christ, Not on Failures
To stop porn addiction, we need to practice releasing our definition of ourselves as “porn addicts”. I understand that identifying this way can be a big part of recovery culture, but I believe it is important to recognize that we are valued and loved by God regardless of whether we have an addiction or not. But that does not mean that addiction doesn’t feel horrible.
When we relapse with porn, God is not punishing us when we experience low moods, despair, or shame as an after effect. That’s just psychology. It’s how the brain works. We need to learn how to work through and overcome these patterns of porn addiction, not so that God can love us again, but so that we can love ourselves again.
As a Christian, I believe that Christ is ever present. But He can only help us when we regularly call on Him to be involved in our learning and progression. I don’t believe he will simply take our weaknesses from us, but we can rely on Him to help us gain the skills and strength to unburden from the roots of our addiction and be healed.
This is a process, and it is important that we go through it. If not, what use would this life be to us? God’s going to love you the same in your addiction as out of it, but don’t you want something better for yourself? I believe that He certainly does. In fact, because he loves you, He is going to allow you to grow through your addiction, rather than simply taking it from you.
Seeking Professional Help with a Faith-Based Perspective
Regardless of what your beliefs are, or your relationship with God, I meet my clients where they are. If you are looking for a Christian porn addiction recovery coach, I can help you out. If you are agnostic or atheist, I can help you there too.
Spirituality and psychology are not polarized or contradictory. They work in harmony. In many ways, they are different brands of the exact same truths.
God can help you in your healing journey, and I believe that he does that in part by assisting you in discovering your psychological burdens, transforming your mindset, and altering your lifestyle. All of this fits right in with living a life of faith, meaning, and generosity.
When seeking a recovery coach, look for someone who incorporates both faith and practicality. You need someone who understands the value of incorporating God and spirituality, but also someone who has a program structure, daily practices, and straightforward strategies for getting sober.
If this sounds like something you’re interested in, come check out the porn addiction recovery program and apply for a free consultation.
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Episode 81 Transcript: Christianity and Porn Addiction | How Your Relationship with God May Be Keeping You From Quitting Porn and How to Overcome Religious Shame
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