Every man or woman who struggles with porn addiction carries trauma and emotional struggles.
In my own personal porn addiction recovery journey, I’ve come to understand many things about the emotional pain that I carry. And by understanding it, I’ve been able to release much of it, and I continue to after a decade of sobriety from porn.
In my professional work with clients, I’ve come to see many of the same patterns - the same burdens, insecurities, and coping mechanisms.
If you or a loved one is suffering from porn addiction, you must understand that the addiction goes much deeper than a desire for sexual pleasure, and today we talk about these deep psychological dynamics.
In this episode, I am privileged to be with HollyKem and Dean Sunseri, authors of A Roadmap to the Soul and incredible coaches that have been helping people across the world for over 30 years.
Dean is a Licensed Professional Counselor and holds a Doctorate in Ministry, and HollyKem has experience as a Substance Abuse Counselor. Their approach is powerful and compassionate.
In today's episode we dig deep into the mental and emotional drivers of pornography addiction, We talk about why people can’t get sober, and we discuss bad advice we get that actually makes pornography addiction worse.
We also talk about healing past trauma, how to forgive yourself and others, how to quit porn, and how to save your marriage AND improve your sex life.
Understanding Why Porn Feels So Dissatisfying
For those who battle pornography addiction, there's a pattern that's all too familiar: you go back again and again, only to feel emptier each time. This is because porn, like any addiction, provides a short-lived fix while leaving the deeper issues unaddressed.
"I go back to porn again and again, and it feels so dissatisfying because I’m chasing something else. I’m trying to fill a hole with this thing that’s cheap and weak and lasts a very short time."
Porn doesn't fulfill us because it isn't real. It lacks the true, deep connection we are looking for, offering only a cheap fabrication of physical pleasure in its stead. We keep trying to fill a hole that porn simply can't fill - the need for genuine love and intimacy.
Whether consciously or unconsciously, addiction is often a response to trauma or unresolved pain. To truly stop porn and heal, we must acknowledge the wounds underneath. As we do so, we begin opening up and can start forming stronger bonds of love and affection. Not just in our romantic relationships, but all relationships.
The Power of Giving vs. Taking
A breakthrough in overcoming porn addiction comes when we understand the difference between taking and giving. Addiction—and even self-serving sexual relationships—only take from us. It’s about seeking pleasure, escaping pain, and trying to satisfy ourselves without considering our deeper emotional and spiritual needs.
As we shift our perspective to giving, things change.
No doubt this is easier said than done. But over time, we can practice. True intimacy in a relationship comes not from seeking to satisfy ourselves but from giving love.
"If I’m trying to give to you as best I can, and you’re trying to give to me as best you can, it creates an ecstatic experience… whether there’s orgasm involved or not."
When you approach your partner with the intention of giving rather than taking, you move away from addiction and toward healing. This shift not only transforms your sexual relationship but also begins to restore the emotional bond that addiction has damaged.
Healing Yourself & Breaking Free of Porn
Pornography addiction is often rooted in wounds from the past—painful experiences, traumas, or unmet emotional needs. It can often be hard for us to perceive these deeper needs when we are caught up in pornography addiction. A part of our mind is doing a good job covering up those needs using the addiction.
For many, addictive behaviors become coping mechanisms to avoid facing wounds. But true healing requires something more: reclaiming the parts of yourself that have been lost.
"We’re just replaying a trauma. When that starts to get cleared out and I reclaim the parts of myself that have been lost, things start to look much different. Then I move into a place of restoration."
To quit porn, you must step into this place of restoration. It involves:
Recognizing your wounds: Identify the traumas or triggers that fuel the addiction. Some of these could be sexual, and others will be mental, emotional, and relational.
Choosing to heal: Seek help, whether through counseling, prayer, or personal growth practices.
Embracing your True Self: Move beyond the patterns of coping and start living authentically, and with a deep sense of meaning and purpose.
Reclaiming Intimacy: Why Sex Can Heal or Hurt
One of the most important realizations for anyone overcoming porn addiction is this: sex can either feed your porn addiction or heal it.
When sex is approached with a focus on physical pleasure alone, it can mimic the same addictive patterns as porn. It becomes about taking—getting that “fix”. But when approached from a place of giving and connectedness, intimacy becomes transformative.
True intimacy—whether in marriage or relationships—requires vulnerability, love, and partnership. It’s not about being alone in your experience but about inviting love, connection, and even God into that space.
By shifting from selfishness to selflessness, intimacy becomes a pathway to deep emotional and spiritual healing.
Keys to Overcoming Porn Addiction and Building a Stronger Marriage
Whether you are single, dating, or married, breaking free of pornography addiction requires intentional effort and personal growth. Here are some key takeaways to stop watching porn and restore both yourself and your relationships:
1. Do Your Own Work
The most significant gift you can give your partner is to prioritize your emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth. Overcoming porn addiction starts with the courageous decision to confront your struggles and heal from the inside out.
"The greatest gift you can give your partner is to do your own work… that will make the relationship thrive and continue to grow."
2. Learn to Love Yourself
Healing begins with self-acceptance. Love yourself—flaws, wounds, and all—so that you can fully love your partner. When you embrace who you are, it becomes easier to offer forgiveness, grace, and unconditional love to others.
"I’ve learned to forgive myself… and that allows me to love and forgive my [spouse] very easily."
3. Shift from Taking to Giving
Overcoming porn addiction and rebuilding intimacy requires a mindset shift.
Practice approaching your relationships with the intention of giving rather than taking, and start focusing on how you can support and bring joy to your partner.
This can be very challenging at first, especially when your capacity feels so drained from addiction and other struggles, or there have been severe emotional wounds. So take it in baby steps, making small, incremental shifts over time.
A Path to Restoration and Freedom from Porn Addiction
Pornography addiction doesn’t have to define you. By choosing to heal, reclaim your True Self, and approach intimacy with love and selflessness, you can break free of porn and discover a life that is deeply fulfilling.
As a human being, you deserve more than fleeting fixes. You deserve true love and connection. You can experience this as you break free from your addictions.
As you take steps to stop watching porn and embrace your healing journey, practice compassion for yourself. With courage and a willingness to grow, you can overcome porn addiction and experience the rich, meaningful life you and your spouse desire.
To learn more about Dean and HollyKem go to ihaveavoice.com where you can learn more about their book A Roadmap to the Soul and their 4-month intensive coaching program. You can also check out their YouTube Channel: I Have a Voice for hundreds of free videos.
Ready to Take the Next Step to quit porn for good and reclaim your life? Join me in my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. This workshop provides practical tools and insights to help you build a recovery mindset and lifestyle.
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Transcription of Episode 79: Emotional Drivers of Porn Addiction, Bad Advice that Makes Porn Addiction Worse, and How to Heal Past Trauma, Save Your Marriage & Improve Your Sex Life | Dean & HollyKem Sunseri
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