How to Replace Porn Addiction | Gain Motivation, Reduce Symptoms of Anxiety & Depression, Build Focus & Attention, Beat the Addictive Mindset, and Be the Husband Your Wife Needs
- Jake Kastleman
- Apr 2
- 26 min read
How can you replace porn addiction? The answer is not a mystery. Essentially, it requires you to build the skills of a recovery mindset and lifestyle. It also requires consistency.
If recovery were a car, these recovery skills would be the engine, and consistency would be the fuel. You can rewire your brain and stop watching porn using these skills and this consistency.
You may have achieved a week or two of sobriety at some point. Or even a few months. But would you like to make it a year, 5 years, 10 years, and beyond?
How do you maintain focus and motivation to stay sober from porn when times get tough? When you don’t feel good enough as a husband or father, when work sucks, life gets overwhelming, you’re exhausted or burnt out, you lose something or someone you loved, your wife isn’t connecting with you, your kids are testing your patience, or your best intentions end in failure?
A car’s engine cannot function long-term without regular oil changes. Without these, the engine corrodes, breaks down, and eventually fails.
You may know the skills to stay sober. You may have a nice frame, engine, and all the bells and whistles. But if you don’t have adequate, clean oil in your engine, you’ll never achieve long-term sobriety and truly lose your desire for porn.
So, how do you stay sober in tough times? You need oil.
This oil is a “Recovery Belief System”, which consists of 8 beliefs to get you through challenging times and underpin everything you do. This system can be the meaning that keeps your sobriety running, and your motive for staying focused when the road gets bumpy. Without living the principles of this Recovery Belief System - no matter your skills or attempted consistency - the engine inside your car will eventually fail, leading to porn relapse.
I’m going to share this iron-clad Recovery Belief System with you, which is the oil in your car’s engine as you run down “Sobriety Road”. And while it’s not a perfect system, it contains universal beliefs that I’ve witnessed, in one form or another, in those who stay sober from porn for 10+ years.
Why this Recovery Belief System is Crucial for Porn Recovery
Porn is a unique drug. We cannot get away from it as we would a typical drug, by cutting out friends who are negative influences, deleting the phone number of our “source”, or throwing away our “stash”.
We live in a world where porn is at our constant access. We cannot get away from it, no matter how many filters we place on our devices, or how many password protections our wife instigates. If we want to be clean of it, it requires a complete overhaul of our mindset and lifestyle.
When we are addicted, we are constantly fixated on our drug of choice. It pops up in our mind everyday, many times a day. So, we must focus our mind on things that are more powerful than the drug.
Central to this mindset is our life’s purpose: our why for every choice we make. Because when it comes to something like porn addiction, any slip in focus can lead to a relapse. So, we establish a higher way of thinking and a higher motive for living. This makes its way into our unconscious mind over time, replacing our desire for porn.
When we establish a truly powerful Recovery Belief System, eventually there is no room left for porn in our lives. Our focus and what motivates us doesn’t match such things any longer.
How to Use this Porn Addiction Recovery Belief System
It takes practice to break free of porn, and it takes practice to establish this Recovery Belief System. I am going to provide you with 8 beliefs to help you replace your porn addiction with deep meaning and motivation for life. But, if you simply listen to or read these beliefs once, they won’t do you much good. Instead, you need to really use them. Here’s how to do that:
#1 REPETITION
Write these beliefs down. Put them on your wall or in a reminder on your phone. Review them a few times per week.
#2 INTENTION
When you read these 8 beliefs, center your intention beforehand on the good of other people. Read the beliefs with the intent that they will empower you to be a better man, husband, and father. You are making them a part of your life for the sake of your loved ones.
This can be very helpful, as an addictive mindset is one of self-centeredness, and a recovery mindset is one focused on the good of others.
If you are religious or spiritual, make this a prayer. Ask God that these motivations fill you up and become who you are, so that you can serve others and do more good in the world.
#3 PERSONALIZATION
Personalize these beliefs. Add further notes to them over time. Write down details or perspectives that mean something to you personally.
Belief #1: Purpose, Not Pleasure
During the many years I was addicted to porn, I had the unconscious belief that life was about enjoyment. It was about my own personal pleasure. Modern western society teaches many of us this. Everything - from school, to work, to my relationships, to what I spent my free time doing - was primarily about my own happiness.
Now, that may not be the case for you. Perhaps you grew up in a family that actively served each other, helped out, and you all dedicated yourself to higher causes. If so, that is a blessing!
What I didn’t realize was that being motivated by my own enjoyment and happiness was playing directly into my pornography addiction. Why? Addiction is a self-focused behavior. It’s about my enjoyment, my needs, my feelings, etc. The more I practice focusing on my own wants and needs the more prone I will be to seek out addictions.
I will also be unfulfilled, being void of a greater sense of purpose and meaning, which could replace my pursuit of cheap, base pleasures.
So, if we want to get sober, we need to practice moving away from a pleasure-oriented mindset to a purpose-oriented one. This means that everything I do - from work, to school, to relationships, what I do during my free time, what I eat, my exercise, everything - becomes about meaning, purpose, and impact.
How am I helping people today? How am I improving myself so that I can make a bigger difference in the world? When I go to a social event, who am I going to talk with, listen to, be present with, say something kind to? How does what I’m doing right now assist others or enable me to grow and become better?
The more I do this, the more it undoes the addictive mindset, and helps me build a recovery mindset: one that is centered on purpose, not pleasure.
Belief #2: What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
If we want to recover, we need to see suffering, pain, and challenges as a normal and frequent part of life.
It is very automatic to want hard things to go away, to want as easy a life as possible. There is a prevalent belief in modern Western society that stress is bad and that what doesn’t kill you makes you weaker. This is fundamentally flawed, and sets us up for feel depressed and anxious, and to assume we are a victim to the world, and that its unfairness is an undue burden we should not need to deal with. This plays right into the addictive mindset.
We need to break out of this belief system, and recognize that we grow through challenges. We are supposed to experience pain and suffering. Hopefully it’s not constantly self-inflicted (as in the case of addiction), but even if it is then we can learn from it!
We can make hard experiences into a spiritual practice. How is this making me a better person? What am I supposed to learn from this? I am going through this so that I can deepen my understanding, compassion, resilience, etc.
This helps me see pain and suffering with a deeper sense of meaning, which enables me to be far more resilient, even welcoming a certain level of stress. Rather than wanting to escape at the first sign of tribulation, which leads to cravings and addictive behaviors.
Belief #3: Marriage is for Growth, Not Happiness
This goes right along with Belief #2. Life is not about pleasure or simply “being happy”. Life is about growth. Same goes for marriage.
Our focus in marriage cannot be our own happiness. It needs to be about how marriage is helping us be a better person, and how we can show up for our spouse everyday in significant ways.
If we approach marriage from a place of “marriage is supposed to make me happy”, we are going to be miserable a lot of the time, because we will be constantly disappointed.
Marriage stretches us. It’s meant to push our buttons, make us angry, try our patience, push us past our limits. Why? So that we can bust through those limits and create something truly beautiful with our spouse.
If we can push through those limits, we can have a truly happy marriage, but only once we’ve learned how to really show up, give of our whole selves, collaborate, help out, etc.
If we do all this, then we will have a truly happy marriage.
If we are constantly expecting marriage to be easy, and that our spouse should make us happy, our constant disappointment, victimization, blame, and fantasizing about the life we “should” have will contribute to the addictive mindset and the desire to escape reality.
And by the way, this doesn’t mean having no boundaries or letting your spouse walk all over you. Instead, we need to be wise and mature, let our spouse know our needs, establish plans together that work on both ends, etc.
Belief #4: Service is the Meaning of Life
There’s a reason that service is a universal focus in all religions, and now in psychology as well. It is the not-so-secret secret to a happy life, and it is also a crucial concept for recovery.
Why?
Well, if we are happy, feel fulfilled, and are connected with others, we are simply going to desire porn less.
Porn is a massive dopamine rush. We likely sought porn out at a time in our lives when we were not feeling connected with others, and we did not feel we were important, adequate, or contributing to a cause greater than ourselves. Or, perhaps, we felt we were not worthy of those connections and responsibilities.
Connecting with other people and making a difference in the world releases dopamine. Porn is one of the ways that our brain can try to seek this connection. The trouble is that when we engage with porn our brain is cheated. It doesn’t feel fulfilling as in the case of truly meaningful, real relationships.
When we feel we matter to others and we belong, we desire porn less.
Belief #5: Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism
Self-criticism is one of the root causes of susceptibility to porn addiction. When we are self-critical it breeds shame (the feeling of not being good enough). When we don’t feel good enough, our brain seeks out a way to release pressure, escape, or feel better.
Instead, we need to cultivate an awareness and presence with our negative emotions. We need to teach ourselves to be compassionate and understanding of our feelings of weakness, fear, insecurity, etc.
If we can successfully do this, we can get sober much easier.
When we can do this for ourselves, we are more able to do it for others. This then enhances our relationships, and that fuels our porn addiction recovery as well.
Belief #6: Triggers Are Opportunities for Progression
Feeling fear, self-judgment, or anger when porn triggers and cravings emerge is very common. When we fear them, judge ourselves, or feel we are a bad person for being triggered or craving porn or sex, this enhances the intensity of porn triggers and can make them overwhelming.
Instead, we practice seeing triggers as opportunities. We see them as a sign that there are things going on under the surface, needs we have that are not being met.
And I’m not talking about sexual needs. I’m talking about emotional ones. For all those men out there who are right now saying, “I’m fine. What are you talking about?” You’re not fine. If you were, you wouldn’t be craving porn.
Porn cravings are a sign that we are feeling stressed, lonely, afraid, overwhelmed, angry, anxious, depressed, etc. We’ve been feeling these things for a while - probably years - and now our brain is wanting to make us feel better.
A part of us is trying to distract from the discomfort we’re feeling, telling us we are craving porn, and that’s our real problem. This is a defense mechanism of the mind, as it is trying to keep us from seeing what’s really bothering us.
It can be nearly impossible to perceive this when you’re in the early stages of porn recovery. But, as you are mindful of thoughts and emotions, over time you can begin to perceive the truth, and eventually become an expert at successfully processing your root-cause emotional burdens and suffering, talking yourself through them without resorting to relapse with porn.
Belief #7: God Doesn’t Control Your Life
A common theme I see among religious men who are addicted to porn is the tendency to blame God for their addiction.
They blame God when they are not able to handle relapses. They blame God for not helping them when they pray. They ask, “Why doesn’t God take my porn addiction? I’ve asked Him so many times to have mercy.”
Listen, God is not going to take your porn addiction from you or come save you just because you asked. You need to put in the work. You need to use your agency and free will to build the necessary skills to get sober from porn.
You can ask for God’s help all along the way, but you have to search things out for yourself, get educated, and practice.
God is not in control of your life. YOU are. Take ownership, learn from failures, and ask what you can do to change while you rely on God as you make these necessary changes to quit porn.
Belief #8: God Values Growth, Not Ease
Many of us think that the more righteous we are, the easier our life will be. We think that God will reward us for good choices by making life a breeze. This is sometimes referred to as “Prosperity Gospel”, and it’s absolute poison for the mind.
Let’s get something straight. The greatest men and women who ever lived faced INSANE challenges. First and foremost, Jesus Christ himself.
You’d think if there were a man who deserved an easy life, it would be the one who lived a perfect one. But he didn’t. He suffered persecution, hatred, torture, and death.
God values growth, progression, and molding us into self-sacrificing, selfless individuals. Why? Because that is where the greatest joy is found. He wants us to feel peace and meaning in our lives, not ease and meaningless pleasure.
Peace, meaning, and service are the highest form of happiness. That’s what He wants for you.
So, remember this when you face challenges. This is the way of life. Of necessity, life includes hardship, because it is the only way to grow. In growth you find meaning, and in meaning you find long-term happiness.
That said, life can also be glorious, abundant, and so much fun. It doesn’t need to be miserable! But it will inevitably include pain, and if we meet that pain with a willing attitude, we can move through it without resorting to porn addiction and relapse to escape the pain.
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Episode 91 Transcription: How to Replace Porn Addiction | Gain Motivation, Reduce Symptoms of Anxiety & Depression, Build Focus & Attention, Beat the Addictive Mindset, and Be the Husband Your Wife Needs
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