You’ve been working hard to stay sober and stop watching porn, but despite your best efforts, you slipped up and now you’re in a dilemma…
How to tell your wife about your porn relapse?
Relapses are a common part of porn addiction recovery. I would love to say they’re not, but they are! It’s just the reality.
During the years I was working to quit porn, I relapsed after a year of sobriety…twice! It was brutally discouraging, but it was not the end for me. I went on to long-term sobriety, and have reached nearly a decade now.
Relapse does not equal failure. It can be a stepping stone towards long-lasting sobriety. But only if you have the right steps in place to deal with the relapse in a way that is psychologically effective. If so, you can use the relapse as a springboard to overcome porn addiction.
If I’m an individual who struggles with pornography addiction, I’m going to have a much easier time quitting porn if I have my spouse in my corner. And for that to happen, I need to build the knowledge and skills necessary to tell my wife about my relapse with pornography in a way that honors both her feelings and mine, and helps her feel I’m doing what it takes to stop porn addiction.
Today, I’m going to share with you what I call the 4-Pronged Ownership Approach for Porn Relapse, a simple structure to turn relapses into stepping stones for recovery and communicate a slip to your wife, or other family members, in a loving and powerful way that leads to the best outcome for both your sobriety and the relationship.
Principles for Successfully Handling a Porn Relapse
Before we get started, let me set the stage by giving you a few principles to successfully handle porn relapses.
Relapse is Not a Reset
The first principle to understand is that relapse is not a reset. When you relapse, you’re not starting from day one.
There are many programs, including 12-step programs, that might suggest you’re back at day zero after a relapse. While I respect those views, I take a different perspective.
If you’ve been sober for 30 days, relapse, and then remain sober for another 30 days, how many days have you been sober? Many would say 30 days, but I challenge that. I believe you’ve been sober for 59 out of 60 days.
Why is this important? Because we’re looking at the long-term journey of recovery. A relapse doesn’t erase all the progress you’ve made—the skills you’ve developed, the knowledge you’ve gained, the coping mechanisms you’ve built, and the new life choices you’ve started to make.
All those things don’t disappear just because of one setback.
It can feel like a huge loss, with shame, guilt, and overwhelming negative emotions, but remember, the new habits and mental processes you’ve been working on are still there. You’ve reactivated some of the old addiction-related wiring in your brain, which can feel powerful right after a relapse, but all the positive changes you’ve made are still intact.
Your eventual goal is permanent, long-lasting sobriety. You need as much motivational momentum as you can get to achieve that. If resetting from day 1 helps with that, great. But I find many of my clients feel more driven toward long-lasting sobriety when they think of their journey as a whole, rather than resetting every time they face a setback.
Relapse Does Not Mean You Are Failing
The second principle is that relapse does not mean you are failing. It’s part of the learning process.
Just like with any skill—whether it’s getting better at a sport, learning a musical instrument, or improving in a relationship—mistakes are part of the journey. We understand this logically in other areas of life, but when it comes to addiction recovery, we often don’t give ourselves the same grace.
Relapse is a mistake, and like all mistakes, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
You’re aiming for long-term sobriety, and you will get there, but it takes time. Instead of seeing relapse as a sign of failure, see it as part of the learning process. This mindset keeps your momentum going.
Express Understanding When Others React with Hurt Or Anger to Your Relapse
The third principle is to express understanding when others react with hurt or anger to your relapse, especially those closest to you, like a spouse or partner. These are people who have had a front-row seat to your struggles and the pain your addiction has caused them. It’s difficult to face, but essential to put yourself in their shoes.
One thing we often struggle with, particularly when we deal with addiction, is sitting with others in their uncomfortable emotions.
It can be incredibly hard to take the time to listen and truly empathize with someone who is hurting because of your actions. But it’s necessary.
Addiction often stems from running away from difficult emotions, using the addiction as an escape. But recovery requires you to do the opposite—you have to go there with them, sit in that discomfort, and allow yourself to experience and understand their pain.
It’s not easy and takes practice, but the more you do it, the stronger you’ll become at navigating these difficult emotions.
Relapse Does Not Define You
Finally, the fourth principle is that relapse does not define you.
You are not your addiction. There is a tendency in some recovery circles to identify oneself as an “addict”, which has its own merits, but I believe it’s important to differentiate between the addict part of your brain and who you are as a person.
There’s a part of your brain that has been using porn as a destructive coping mechanism, but that’s not all of who you are.
Understanding this can change the way you experience relapse. Instead of seeing it as a reflection of your character or worth, see it as behavior stemming from a part of you that has faced trauma and is trying to protect you in a way that’s ultimately harmful.
This perspective allows you to approach relapse with self-compassion, recognizing that it’s not a reason to fall into shame or hopelessness. You’re not defined by this behavior.
And here’s the hopeful part: this “addict” part of you doesn’t have to remain your enemy. Over time, with the right tools and mindset, it can actually become a source of strength and growth. To learn more about this, check out my article: Make Friends with the Addict Part of Your Brain | Quit Porn Using 3 Evidence-based IFS Principles
The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach for Porn Relapse
The 4-pronged approach is simple. It’s so simple that part of you will likely say, “I’ve already tried that”, or, “There’s no way that could work.”
Remember that the simplest things are often those that are best and most effective. I’m providing you with something that is straightforward and easy to remember so that in times of relapse, when thinking clearly is a challenge, you can remember these four steps and use them to talk to your wife or partner about your relapse.
Another great thing about this 4-pronged approach is that these are the exact same steps that you can follow on your own to turn a relapse into a springboard for recovery.
They’re also the same steps you can follow for any negative behavior that you’re trying to overcome. So the approach is universal.
Prong 1: What Happened? (Owning the Relapse)
Before you launch into this approach, tell your wife/partner that you are going to tell her about the relapse, and you are going to mentally work through what happened as best you can. You just ask that she listen, and then you will give her all of the space she needs to speak and be heard. But for now, you need to process through it and ask (even though it’s hard) that she simply listen.
The first step is to describe what happened. What was the relapse? Let’s get real about it.
And this does not need to be detailed or graphic. There’s no need for that; either for you or for your spouse. It’s not helpful to relive the experience, but it’s also not helpful to deny it.
This would sound something like:
“I came home from a long day at work, I was home alone, and I started scrolling through YouTube. I was watching some harmless videos, when an ad popped up on the side of the screen that was triggering for me. I then started to look up some material that was pornographic, and I masturbated to some videos.”
The Tendency to Make Excuses or Justifications
Now, this is where the addict part of your brain - which can be prone towards excuses, justifications, and victimhood mentality - may want to chime in and say something like…
“But I didn’t watch it for that long.”
“I could have looked up worse stuff than I did.”
“If it wasn’t for that stinking ad I would have been fine.”
“I was just stressed after our fight. That’s why I did it.”
Now, is there some truth to these statements? Yes.
Are these statements helpful? No.
Are these statements annoying and/or infuriating for your spouse to hear? Yes.
Don’t say them.
Don’t add a disclaimer to your confession. Refrain from explaining away your responsibility for your actions, or making it seem like what you did “wasn’t that bad”, or “could have been worse.”
No one wants to hear it. And saying things like this only hinders your progression.
Addiction, Shame, Fear, and Perfectionism
But I want to make it clear that these tendencies don’t come from a place of malicious intent. They’re a coping mechanism we use as an attempt to protect ourselves.
The addict part of the brain is locked in an intimate relationship with fear, shame, and perfectionism. Porn addiction often comes as a result of past trauma, neglect, and feeling unsafe, and that past is on loop throughout our lives until we build the needed recovery mindset and lifestyle skills to break the cycle.
Because the addict part of the brain feels insecure, it attempts to cope by making excuses, justifications, and explanations for negative behavior. It does this in order to protect and alleviate itself from further harm. But these coping mechanisms only keep you stuck, unable to own what you did and determine what you can learn.
The better you can own your mistakes - without ownership bleeding into self-flogging and shame - the better able you are to turn mistakes into stepping stones for improvement and porn addiction recovery.
When you can explain to your spouse or partner what happened during a porn relapse, without attempting to explain away your responsibility or make excuses for why it happened, your chances increase of having a discussion with a greater level of trust and respect.
Prong 2: What Led to the Relapse? (Identifying the Triggers)
After acknowledging what happened, the next step is to identify the underlying factors that led to the relapse.
Porn addiction is rarely about the porn itself; it’s a symptom of deeper emotional or psychological issues. These triggers can range from stress at work, unresolved conflicts in your marriage, to deeper, unresolved childhood trauma.
It's crucial to approach this analysis with a sense of self-awareness and honesty. As you reflect on what led to the relapse, resist the urge to shift the blame onto external circumstances or other people. While external factors may have contributed to the relapse, taking full responsibility for your actions is essential for your recovery.
Ask yourself:
What emotions were you experiencing before the relapse?
Were you feeling angry, stressed, or overwhelmed?
What thought patterns emerged during those moments?
Were there unresolved issues in your relationship that you were avoiding?
By answering these questions honestly, you can start to identify the patterns that lead to your addictive behaviors.
Understanding these triggers is vital for preventing future relapses. The more aware you become of the emotional and mental states that precede a relapse, the better equipped you’ll be to address them proactively. This prong is not just about understanding the past but about preparing yourself for future challenges.
Prong 3: What Did You Learn? (Applying the Lessons)
The third prong of the ownership approach focuses on what you’ve learned from the relapse.
Every setback, painful as it may be, offers valuable lessons if you're willing to look for them. Reflecting on what went wrong and what you could have done differently is a powerful tool in your recovery journey.
Consider factors such as the following:
Are there specific routines, habits, or practices that support your recovery that you let slide leading up to the relapse?
Are you staying consistent with exercise and good nutrition?
Do you need to implement a daily meditation or prayer routine?
Have you been spending enough quality time with loved ones?
Are there boundaries you need to enforce, like using filters or setting time limits on device usage?
Learning from a relapse also means making tangible changes to prevent it from happening again. This might involve setting up new boundaries, adjusting your daily routines, or seeking additional support from a recovery coach, therapist or support group.
It’s about turning your relapse into a learning experience that propels you forward rather than keeping you stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame.
The key is to apply these lessons to your life in a way that strengthens your commitment to quit porn for good. Remember, recovery is a journey, and every step—forward or backward—is part of that process.
Prong 4: How Does She Feel? (Empathy and Compassion)
The final and perhaps most challenging prong of this approach is to truly listen to your spouse/partner and understand her feelings. After you’ve shared your side of the story, it’s time to give her the floor. This step requires you to set aside your own defenses and focus entirely on her emotions and experiences.
Listening with empathy means acknowledging her pain, anger, or disappointment without trying to defend yourself or downplay her feelings. It’s natural to feel defensive during these conversations, but true healing comes from allowing your spouse to express her emotions fully. By doing so, you create a space for honest dialogue and mutual understanding.
Empathy is a skill that can be difficult to master, especially for those of us who have struggled with addiction. Many of us were never taught how to truly empathize with others, and it can feel like trying to grow a new limb. But with practice, you can develop this skill, and it will become an invaluable part of your porn addiction recovery and your relationship.
One way to cultivate empathy is to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. How would you want your partner to respond? By approaching the conversation with this mindset, you can begin to build a deeper connection and strengthen the foundation of trust in your relationship.
My clients and I actively work on exercises and practices to help build empathy, connection, and a greater ability to lean into difficult emotions.
Building a Recovery Mindset & Lifestyle: The Path Forward
As you work through these steps, keep in mind that overcoming porn addiction is a long-term process that requires patience, commitment, and support. You don’t have to go through this journey alone.
Also know that talking to your wife about your porn relapse is sometimes a messy conversation. And that’s okay! Keep learning, keep growing, and allow both of you time to build skills, as you work towards long-term sobriety together.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your recovery, check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I will give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more
You can also check out my Free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits.
So, head to nomoredesire.com to watch the Free Workshop or pick up the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
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Transcription - Episode 63: How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach
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