“My wife won’t have sex with me”, “Porn addiction has ruined our marriage and our sex life”, “My wife has gained 80 lbs since we got married, and I’m no longer sexually attracted to her”, “My wife dresses like a nun and wants nothing to do with sex…”
If any of these sound like you, and you’re in a marriage where sex is as frequent as a solar eclipse (or if that’s too generous), today’s article is for you. Today, we’re going to talk about:
Reasons your wife isn’t having sex with you (and they’re not what you think).
Healing the side effects of porn addiction in marriage.
Gaining compassion for the different challenges you and your spouse are facing.
Creating sexual and emotional healing in your marriage.
My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me: The Reasons Why
It can be deeply discouraging, demasculinizing, and confusing when your wife rejects you sexually. Many of us have been raised with the belief that a woman wants to feel desired and valued, that she needs constant affirmations of her beauty and worth. When our wives don't reciprocate these affirmations, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and confusion.
But here's the thing: often, the reasons behind your wife’s sexual reluctance have little to do with your performance in the bedroom or even her attraction to you. Women often need a quality feeling of emotional safety before they can fully engage sexually. This emotional safety isn’t just about feeling physically secure but involves feeling heard, valued, and emotionally supported.
Consider these factors that might be affecting your wife’s emotional safety:
Emotional Presence: If she feels you’re not fully present or emotionally engaged in the relationship, it can create a barrier to intimacy. Are you listening to her, being responsive, and showing up emotionally?
Confidence and Self-Esteem: Your confidence, or lack thereof, can impact how your wife feels about the relationship. A lack of self-esteem can be perceived as a threat to her emotional well-being. Building your confidence through self-improvement, service to others, doing things you’re afraid of, following through on what you say you will do, and investing your time and efforts into loved one and the community can make a significant difference.
Financial Stability: If you’re the primary breadwinner, your financial stability can also affect her feelings of safety. Issues like job instability or lack of progress in your career can be sources of stress and insecurity.
Anger and Impatience: Struggles with anger or frustration can contribute to a lack of emotional safety. Are you warm and kind, or do you struggle with these traits?
Physical and Emotional Absence: Being constantly busy with work, hobbies, or social obligations can lead to emotional and physical neglect. This absence can in some ways be as damaging as emotional abuse, creating a chasm between you and your wife.
If these issues resonate with you, take baby steps towards self-improvement and genuine connection. Showing up authentically and with integrity can help bridge the gap and rebuild emotional safety in your relationship.
Healing the Side Effects of Porn Addiction in Marriage
Porn addiction can wreak havoc on a marriage, and it's easy to place blame on your spouse. Perhaps you think, “If she were more attractive or sexually satisfying, I wouldn’t need porn.” But this mindset is flawed. Porn addiction in marriage is rarely about fulfilling sexual desires; it’s often about coping with deeper emotional or mental struggles.
Here’s a crucial point to understand: porn addiction is more about your internal struggles than about your partner’s appearance or sexual performance. A relapse with porn is a way to escape from feelings of shame (including religious shame), insecurity, perfectionism, loneliness, inadequacy, emotional dissatisfaction, etc. It’s not a solution to sexual needs but a distraction from emotional struggles.
Even if your wife were to change her appearance or improve her sexual engagement, it likely wouldn’t resolve the core issues. The problem is not solely about physical attraction but about addressing the underlying mental and emotional struggles. Consider this:
Cycle of Dissatisfaction: Even if your wife meets your physical desires, your addiction may just shift to other areas of dissatisfaction to do with her appearance or behavior. This cycle of judgment and criticism never resolves the underlying issues.
Focus on Recovery: To truly overcome porn addiction, focus on building a 'no more porn lifestyle'. This involves addressing emotional and psychological needs, rather than blaming your partner or external factors.
Healing from porn addiction requires a shift in focus. Work on developing a porn addiction recovery mindset and lifestyle that promotes fulfillment, satisfaction, and emotional health. Your wife’s journey to self-improvement is her own, but your role is to support her and work on your own personal growth.
Gaining Compassion for the Different Challenges You and Your Spouse Are Facing
Both you and your wife are navigating your own set of challenges. Understanding that both of you have pain and struggles is essential. If you view your problems as more significant or if you expect your wife to change first, progress will be limited.
Here’s a couple ways to foster compassion and mutual understanding:
Empathy: Recognize and empathize with your wife’s struggles. This doesn’t mean you need to solve her problems but understanding her perspective can bridge gaps in communication.
Taking Initiative: One partner needs to take the first step in healing the relationship. If you’re waiting for your wife to change or take action, you may be stalling your progress. Be proactive in addressing issues and showing compassion.
Healing requires both partners to engage actively. By taking initiative and showing empathy, you can both work towards a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
Creating Sexual and Emotional Healing in Your Marriage
For your marriage to heal, both sexual and emotional connections need to be addressed. Here’s how you can start creating a space for healing:
Show Up and Be Present: Engage actively in the relationship. Listen to your wife, be emotionally available, and make an effort to understand her needs.
Treat Her as an Equal: Ensure that your interactions are balanced and respectful. Equality in the relationship fosters a sense of partnership and mutual respect.
Explore and Connect: If both partners are open, start exploring sexual intimacy as a connected and loving experience. This might involve practicing new ways to connect emotionally and physically.
Schedule Sexual Intimacy: If necessary, schedule time for sexual intimacy. This might seem unromantic, but it ensures that you’re prioritizing your sexual connection.
Release Judgment: Replace judgment and control with acceptance, understanding, encouragement, and optimism. Support each other’s growth and healing processes.
Healing takes time and effort from both partners. By focusing on creating a safe and supportive environment, you can work towards restoring both emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage.
Overcoming Porn Addiction in Marriage
Addressing the issues of porn addiction and sexual disconnection in your marriage is challenging but not insurmountable. Focus on personal growth, emotional safety, and compassionate understanding. By taking these steps, you can work towards a more fulfilling and connected relationship.
If you’re ready to start your journey towards overcoming porn addiction and rebuilding your marriage, consider joining the Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. This workshop offers practical steps to help you break free of porn and restore intimacy in your relationship. You’ll learn a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more…
So, head to nomoredesire.com, or hit the links in the description, to grab the Free Workshop or the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE
MORE ARTICLES
When Wives Become Sex Objects | Porn Addiction in Marriage, and How a Man Overcomes Sexual Obsession
Transcription of Episode 67: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me - What Do I Do? | Side Effects of Porn Addiction in Marriage and Finding Sexual Healing
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