What if your brain pushes you towards porn addiction because it’s trying to help you, not hurt you? What if you could quit porn using IFS, an approach that helps you effectively understand and speak with the part of your brain pushing you towards porn, and you could redirect it? What if you could work alongside that part to overcome porn addiction, rather than feeling exhausted trying to fight it all of the time?
Since the dawn of western psychology, we have believed in a “mono-mind”. Meaning you have one brain and one personality. Seems pretty obvious, right? This is an assumption we’ve made based on hundreds if not thousands of years of tradition.
But what if this is incorrect? What if there is a more effective way of viewing the mind that results in accelerated mental healing and repair?
Internal Family Systems, “Sub-personalities”, and Porn Addiction Recovery
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a psychological modality that was founded by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980’s. Over the 2010’s and 2020’s it has accelerated rapidly into the mainstream due to its extremely effective approach for helping clients and individuals with addiction and mental illness.
IFS denies the assumption of “mono-mind” (that we have one personality and one identity), and instead posits that our mind is made up of multiple "parts" or sub-personalities, all contributing to our psyche and individuality.
At first exposure, most people in western society react to this idea by saying something like, “You mean like schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder?” This initial reaction is 100% understandable, as we have been taught this our whole lives.
But again, what if that assumption is incorrect? What if we all have multiple sub-personalities that add up to our identity, and those with multiple personality disorder are just a more exaggerated version of that?
More importantly, what if seeing that we have a mind of multiplicity could actually open up some very powerful mental/emotional processing and enable us to stop watching porn faster?
Sound strange? Give me a minute to explain. By the end, I think you'll understand…
If I hold the belief of mono-mind and I act out with my porn addiction, I might say something to myself like, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I this way?”, or, “How can I keep doing this to myself? Am I insane?”
If, instead, I hold the belief that many parts make up my psyche, I may ask myself something more like this: “Why is this part of me doing this? What is its reason?” I may then be able to dialogue with this part and get some answers.
If I address an addiction this way, I just might start opening up to the possibility that I am not insane. Instead, there is simply a part of me that feels the need for this addiction, and I can get curious as to why that is and begin addressing it.
Again, this all may sound strange and even insane itself, but stay with me, I’ll explain more.
Getting Curious About Your Porn Addiction with IFS
Think back to a time when you relapsed with porn. What emotions did you experience? What internal dialogues did you participate in? What inner conflicts did you endure?
If you’re like the rest of us, it probably went something like this…
A craving for porn emerges. You experience lust and desire.
One part of you says, “You want to go watch that”, or, “What was that video that we didn’t see last time?”, or, “I probably have 30 minutes this evening if I get home a little early."
Then, another part of you says, “Don’t go do that! Don’t you remember what happened last time?”, or, “You idiot! Stop thinking about all of this. What’s wrong with you? Just forget about it and move on!”
These two parts begin fighting back and forth. Another part of you - a deeper part - begins to feel a rising sense of anxiety about this inner conflict, much the same way as a small child might feel afraid when mom and dad start to argue.
That small child within you feels powerless, unable to stop the fight. He's scared he isn’t strong enough to face the part of you that wants to view porn, but he also doesn’t like the mounting criticism from the other part that wants you to stop watching porn.
Confusion, hopelessness, and shame fill you. With two parts arguing for and against watching porn, and another part feeling ashamed and powerless about all of it, you give in.
The part that wanted you to watch porn has fulfilled its role. It fades into the background for a time.
The other part that wants you to stop watching porn is now battering you with judgment and criticisms. It is using intimidation and shaming tactics to convince you to never let this happen again: “Don’t you know what this does to your family?”, “I can’t believe you wasted time on this again!”, “This is the last time you are ever going to let this happen.”
Meanwhile, you feel a sense of dread that yet again you gave in, and that little child inside of you gets into the fetal position, feeling defeated and discouraged. All he really wants is to be a good person, and he doesn’t understand how he keeps doing this to himself over and over and over again.
Now that I’ve played this scenario out for you, does this sound like a singular mind? Or does it sound like an interaction between multiple parts?... Multiple sub-personalities that all have differing goals, desires, and roles?
If it is one mind, how can that mind possibly want all of this all at once? Or how can it act in ways directly contrary to what it knows is best for it?
There Are No Bad Parts of You
Whether the truth is that your mind is one singular personality, or it is instead made up of multiple sub-personalities is not the point.
What I really want to drive home here is whether processing your thoughts and emotions one way or the other is more effective.
That is the point.
IFS is gaining traction at an astounding rate across the globe, helping individuals with mental illnesses and addictions. The ability to observe your mind as a system of parts that are taking on different roles has been nothing short of revolutionary when it comes to working through addiction.
Core to the success of the Internal Family Systems model is the understanding that we have “no bad parts”, which is the title of one of Dr. Richard Schwartz’ most recent books.
Essentially, this means that every single part of you - from those that are playful or generous to those that are judgmental or even malicious - play a role that they see as necessary for the benefit of the whole (you).
While parts of you certainly may be misguided or acting in ways that are creating harm or destruction, they are doing their very best to show up how they can to keep you “safe”, fulfill your needs, or prevent further suffering.
When parts of you are healthy - not carrying around burdens and insecurities all of the time - they can actually become powerful assets and friends to you; parts that harmonize with your pure intentions and deepest desires to bless others and do good in the world.
Understanding Porn Addiction Using IFS
The approach we classically take to porn addiction (or any addiction) is to see the part of us that pushes us to act out as bad. We are taught to shun it, ignore it, and ultimately kill it. That is the goal most recovering addicts start with.
Internal Family Systems shares a different approach to porn addiction recovery.
Instead of seeing this part of you as bad, see it as a part of you doing its best to help you out. This doesn’t mean you need to give into it, justify it, or placate it. But instead listen to it, seek to understand it, get curious about it, and ask it what it is trying to do for you.
Why does this part of you want you to use porn as a means of coping with suffering? What feelings is it trying to numb? What is it afraid might happen if it did not use this protective strategy to guard against the suffering you’re experiencing under the surface?
If you can get some answers on this, perhaps you can dig down and get curious about what’s underneath the porn addiction. What insecurities or burdens are you carrying?
There’s nothing shameful about having insecurities. Everybody has them. Including you! And the more you deny or try to hide from them, the more power they will have over you. This is because parts that play protective roles (addictive parts, for instance) will lead the show all day long in order to keep you from feeling those insecurities.
Instead, you must go to your insecurities, care for them, and come to deeply understand and feel compassion for them. Then, the parts that have been playing protector will have less and less to protect, and they can instead do something more productive.
Quit Porn Using IFS
So, when a craving for porn comes up, don’t run from it, fight it, or give in to it. Instead, step back to observe this part of you that is feeding you the craving. Ask why it is there. What is it trying to do for you?
Realize that this part of you is doing its best to help you, and let it know that you understand it is showing up for you the best way it can.
As strange as it may sound, let it know you are grateful for its efforts, and that if it can give you a little space, you just might be able to take another route to work through the underlying insecurities you’re dealing with. Then, you can discover new solutions to handle internal suffering.
If you can practice this approach with porn cravings and challenging emotions each day, you can quit porn, with IFS as one of the most valuable mental/emotional tools in your porn recovery toolbelt.
If you want to stop watching porn for good, there is no other system designed like the No More Desire program. It is a program that is intensive, personalized, structured, and it helps you build a recovery mindset and lifestyle so that you can lose your desire for porn. It includes:
Daily Assessments that instill the mental habits of recovery, and give you insights into what cravings actually are, where they come from, and how to overcome them.
Structured Recovery Program with exercises to transform your mindset and lifestyle one step at a time.
Tailored Recovery Plan that you and I build out together, and which contains your personal answers to get rid of porn cravings. This will be the plan you’ll use every single day to stay sober for the rest of your life.
Weekly 1-on-1 Sessions with a coach who has proven professional experience helping men recover, as well as first-hand experience recovering from his own addiction.
If you’re ready to get rid of porn addiction, set up a Free 30-min Consultation with me. During the call, you and I will break down the causes of your porn addiction together. You will gain personalized direction and insights for your recovery, and I’ll answer any questions that you have about the program. Set up your Free Consultation now.
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Episode 75 Transcription: Quit Porn Using IFS | A Powerful New Approach to Psychology & Addiction Recovery
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