What if you had a mental toolbelt to stop porn cravings and overcome fantasizing and lust habits? Today, I’m going to give you exactly that.
By the end of this article, you will have 7 tools to overcome fantasizing and lust, so you can beat porn cravings and stop wanting pornography. But - just like anything - in order for them to work, you have to apply them.
Dealing with Triggers for Fantasizing, Lust & Porn Cravings
Imagine you’re at the gym and you see a girl in her gym outfit, or you’re browsing online and see some ad pop up with a woman in a bathing suit, or you’re walkin’ down the street and you see a girl with short-shorts and cleavage.
Many of these situations can be very challenging when you’ve struggled with porn addiction and you’re trying to get sober. You may feel sick of these triggers popping up around you, and you may think if you can just avoid them then you won’t be tempted to watch porn.
But the answer to handling these triggers, and working through porn cravings, fantasizing, and lust is not avoidance. Instead, it’s about having mental strategies to think through triggers and cravings.
It’s about building psychological habits - new mental processes - to replace the default mental processes that are leading to porn relapse.
It’s easy to let the mind wander and focus on lust and fantasies. Most men do this. But these thoughts don’t serve you or those around you, nor do they help you become the strong, capable, and courageous man, husband, and father that you want to be.
Overcoming these default mental habits of fantasizing, lust, and craving is challenging (I won’t lie!), but it’s also something that anyone can do. It’s something that you can do. I’ll show you how.
7 Tools to Stop Porn Cravings and Overcome Fantasizing & Lust Habits
These 7 tools I’m going to give you are not just for special people who can focus really well, for people who “aren’t as addicted as you are”, for people without ADD/ADHD, or for people with “more willpower” than you have. Anybody can build new habits for thinking and processing through porn cravings, fantasizing, and lust.
It’s not about willpower.
It’s not about what mental disorders you may have.
It’s not about high libido or sex drive.
It’s not about how long you've been addicted or how hopeless you feel.
You just need the right tools.
I promise if you practice and apply these 7 tools (not just read them, but implement them), they will be life-changing for you.
What you’re about to learn is going to transform your porn addiction recovery for good, and give you a new mind and a new life if you pay attention, take notes, and apply it.
Because you are a good man, a powerful man, and you and the ones you love are worthy of a freaking amazing life.
So, let’s do this.
Tool 1: Make it About Utility, Not Morality
If you are addicted to porn you are likely one of millions who are also Christian or religious, and you believe that you need to stop watching porn because it is a moral issue. And I understand that.
Sex is one of the most powerful forces on earth. What other force do you know of that you can use for the most miraculous occurrence we know of: the creation of life. And, at the same time, what force has more power to absolutely destroy and devastate someone?...
Because of this, sex is no doubt a moral matter. We can use it to create or destroy. We can use it in connection and love, or for our own selfish desires and pleasure. Or any gray area in-between.
That said, where we go wrong is in labeling our sexual feelings as immoral.
The Belief
Very common among my clients is the tendency to make sexual thoughts synonymous with “bad”, “immoral”, or “inappropriate” thoughts. And again, I understand this.
But what if thinking of sexual desires or physical attraction this way is actually one of the reasons you are addicted to porn?
When you understand that porn addiction is rooted in shame (which is beliefs like, “I’m bad”, “I’m unworthy”, “I’m not good enough”), then you understand that defining the sexual thoughts we have as “bad”, “immoral”, or “inappropriate” can easily evolve into believing “I am bad”, “I am immoral”, or “I am inappropriate” for thinking these thoughts.
It is, in part, the stigmatization and extreme beliefs surrounding sex that give rise to porn addiction. We do not overcome porn addiction by “feeling bad enough” about it. Nor do we focus on how much porn can harm us or others.
These ways of thinking about porn and sex may perhaps keep us from looking at porn in the first place - because using fear as a motivator can sometimes be effective in the short-term. But, these days - with forms of porn constantly paraded before us - using fear or shame to keep us from watching porn is a really great way to get us hooked. And that’s because fear and shame drive pornography addiction.
We become attached to the negative feelings of unworthiness and forbidden-ness. Because the unconscious mind doesn’t value positive emotion so much as it does intensity of emotion - what is stimulating and extreme.
And we can over time change this motivation to instead be attached to what is fulfilling and uplifting, but that’s a topic for another day…
For now, what’s important to know is that the worse you feel about sexual desires the more prone to porn addiction you will become.
So, am I saying you should just give way to all your sexual inclinations and have a free-for-all? No, not in the least.
Instead, I’m saying that there is a better way to assess feelings of sexual and physical attraction. A way that does not fill them with such intense emotion that can drive porn addiction.
And that is to make it about utility, not morality.
The Tool
The moment a sexual thought or desire comes up, accept it, and then instead of allowing your brain to tell you, “stop thinking that”, “these are bad thoughts”, “what’s wrong with me?”, etc. think about the utility of these thoughts.
In other words, think, “How do these thoughts help me or those around me?”, “Are these thoughts assisting me in becoming the man I want to be?”, “Are these thoughts beneficial, or are they serving anyone?”
There is nothing wrong with experiencing sexual or physical attraction. These feelings are normal and needed. What harms us is the obsession and fixation on these thoughts, and obsession and fixation are driven by beliefs that we are bad or immoral for thinking or doing something.
Carl Jung put it this way: “What we resist persists.”
It’s just the way the mind works.
Instead of resisting it by believing it is bad, immoral, or inappropriate - which fills the experience with intense emotion - be logical and practical.
Practice moving on from these thoughts not because they are “bad”, but because fixation and fantasy hinders you from living the purposeful, meaningful life that you want. The more you focus on other things that are more worthy of your time and attention, the more capable you will become of loving, serving, creating, and blessing.
Tool 2: See the Whole Person
As men, we are naturally prone towards seeing people as objects. It doesn’t make us screwed up or evil, it’s just the way our brains work.
And…we can change that.
The Belief
As men, we more easily see the world in objects and objectives because this aids us in providing, protecting, and achieving success. It enables us to have a driven, one-track mind that gets it done and moves through fear with relentless determination. This is a beautiful strength.
At the same time, the male mind that is more naturally object-oriented makes us more susceptible to weaknesses of lust, abuse, and violence.
Women, on the other hand, have more psychologically interconnected minds. They more naturally nurture, care for others, and consider how others will feel or how certain actions might affect a relationship.
I realize that it is unpopular to say these days, but there is plenty of anecdotal and empirical evidence to back this up.
Men and women are drastically different, duh! Good thing we are. We compliment each other.
All that said, as men it is our duty to make a conscious effort to nurture, think of others’ needs, and build the parts of our mind that value others for who they are, not just what they can do. Just as it is the duty of women to balance their nurturing nature with allowing their children and others to take necessary risks and face strength-building hardship and suffering, without jumping in to coddle them.
So, as men, how do we do this? The answer is found in constant mental awareness and practice. We must train our mind to perceive others - especially women - in a whole, respectful, and loving way.
Women are not sex objects. Their value does not lie in how they look, nor in what they can do to pleasure us.
There is a whole world out there that will tell you that women need to have the perfect body, that sex is this thing you place up on a pedestal and gawk at, and that passion in a relationship is all about how you pleasure your woman in the bedroom.
None of this makes for a meaningful relationship or a happy life.
These beliefs root their way into our subconscious, and it is our mission as men to undo this damage. Why? Because it is not serving us or the women around us.
As long as we allow the part of our mind that believes women’s value lies in their sexual desirability, we will not be as happy or fulfilled as we could be; and our relationships will not be as deep as they could be.
Let me make it clear that I am not calling anyone bad for thinking this way. I am simply saying that you can take initiative to change this way of thinking and think of women as whole people.
Here’s how.
The Tool
When you see a women on the street, in the grocery store, at the gym, in a video, in an ad - wherever - practice replacing the initial thoughts of sexual attraction or desire with thoughts about her as a whole person.
To do this, it is helpful to briefly look into this person’s eyes and remember that she is a human being. Think about who she might be, what her beliefs are, what her likes and dislikes are, what she wants out of life. Think of the things she may have suffered, the dreams that haven’t come true for her, the ways she’s been betrayed. Think of her successes, her strengths, her desires to be a good person.
You may be thinking, “But I don’t know her.” That doesn’t matter. Use your imagination. It comes up with enough BS about having sex with her. So, instead, use it to think of who she is.
The more you practice this, the easier it will become. And, eventually, you’ll do it automatically.
This psychological method is retraining your mind by bringing you out of the limbic part of the brain (the automatic “seek pleasure, avoid pain” part) and into the prefrontal cortex (the critical-thinking part of the brain).
Do this, and I promise over time you will become happier, more focused, more fulfilled, and feel closer to others. You will love yourself and your life so much more.
Do Better than the BS Mainstream Culture Expects
There is nothing wrong with sexual or physical attraction. It is the prolonged fixation on these thoughts and feelings that doesn’t serve us or those around us. So, we need to practice replacing these natural inclinations with conscious habits of holistic thinking.
This is asking much more of you than what a lot of the world asks. Many will say that it’s just fine to think about how much you want to have sex with a girl, or to googoo and gaga about her looks. But again, what good is that doing for you or anyone else? How is it helping you live a successful or meaningful life? How is it making you into the strong, courageous man you want to be? One that is respectful, loving, and powerful.
Tool 3: Change the Meaning Behind What You’re Seeing
You see a woman at the grocery store who is wearing short-shorts and a low-cut tank top. The immediate inclination of part of you is to fixate on her looks and imagining what you’d like to do to her in bed. This doesn’t make you a bad person for thinking these thoughts. Again, they’re a habit, and you can change a habit.
Change this habit by switching from the limbic part of the brain (the automatic “seek pleasure, avoid pain” part) and into the prefrontal cortex (the critical-thinking part of the brain). To do this, you are going to think about aspects of the situation and woman other than her physical appearance. This is similar to Tool 2, except that you are not thinking of her as a whole person, necessarily, but about the current situation.
This could sound something like, “I bet she’s really comfortable in those short-shorts”, or, “She’s out grocery shopping. I wonder if she has kids?”, or, “She probably doesn’t know that wearing that outfit is causing a lot of men to objectify her. That’s too bad. She deserves more respect than that.”
Over time, doing this will train your brain to be more interested in things other than sexuality or physical appearance. If you practice it everyday - increasing your creative thinking - eventually, your interest in physical appearance will be at a manageable level, so that you can notice beauty, appreciate it for a few seconds, and then move on. This will help you live a more fulfilling, connected life.
Tool 4: Imagine a New Ending
This tool is rooted in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and is all about how you process thoughts in your mind. When you're caught up in porn addiction, you often face triggers that lead to lust and fantasizing, causing worry and fear of relapse. Instead of succumbing to these fears, implement this tool immediately.
When a trigger hits, don't dwell on the unfairness of the appearance of the trigger, the powerlessness you feel, the risk of relapse, or the concern that this experience is going to lead you to a relapse. Instead, imagine a new ending.
Visualize what your life will look like if you stay sober from porn. Picture your wife’s joy, your sense of accomplishment, and the positive impact on your life. Imagine months down the road, living sober and thriving. This shift in perspective is part of faith and can help you stop porn addiction.
Tool 5: You Are the Protector
Imagine yourself in a strip club—not to trigger you but to illustrate a point. In this scenario, your desires are carnal and selfish, right? That’s pretty clear. Now, picture yourself as part of a rescue team infiltrating the same strip club to save someone being trafficked. Same context, completely different mindset.
You’re surrounded by all the same women, the same temptations. But now, your focus is not on sexual pleasure. You become a protector, focused on your mission and the wellbeing of others.
In real life, when you encounter a situation that triggers sexual desires, remind yourself, "I am the protector." Respect women, cherish them, and see yourself as someone who protects and uplifts others. This shift in self-perception helps you break free of porn addiction by focusing on your purpose and the positive impact you can have. You practice seeing yourself with new eyes, and seeing your purpose differently.
Tool 6: Sexuality is Positive
Sexuality is often viewed negatively or obsessively. Instead, see it as positive. Sexual desires are natural and normal, and acknowledging this can help de-stigmatize them. This perspective removes shame and fear, which are roots of addiction.
Recognize that sexual energy is just energy. It is part of the masculine power we have as men. This “sexual energy” is not just for sex, but can be directed towards incredible things. It can be hard to see this when we have an addiction, but this same energy can drive us to create, build, overcome, and accomplish.
We need to take risks. That's one of the biggest things I think a lot of us are missing these days with the way our culture is.
If you want to break free of porn addiction, you need to take smart risks in life, adventure and pursue things that are meaningful to you and that get to your core. Have experiences that are exciting!
And I'm not talking about dumb risks. I'm talking about accomplishments that mean something to you. I'm talking about making a difference in your community and I'm talking about growing and building yourself.
Do things that you’re afraid of, that take energy and effort - direct this “sexual” energy, and it can become your best friend as you direct it to meaningful places.
So, remind yourself of this when you feel these things. The fact that you have sexual desire is a positive thing! Like fire, which can both destroy and create, sexual energy can drive connection, creativity, and growth. Direct this energy towards meaningful pursuits and accomplishments. By doing so, you harness its positive potential, helping you quit porn and lead a more fulfilling life.
Tool 7: Remember Your History
Self-compassion is crucial for recovery. Porn addiction thrives on self-judgment and negative emotions. The addict part of our brain uses lust, fantasizing, and cravings as a way of distracting us from our mental/emotional pain.
To get out of this negative zone that fuels addiction, you can practice self-compassion by remembering your history.
When you experience a craving, acknowledge it with compassion. Understand that it's natural to feel this way given your history with pornography addiction. Remind yourself that you're working through it and getting better. This hopeful and understanding mindset is powerful in overcoming porn addiction.
How to Stop Porn Addiction
What have you tried so far to quit porn? A lot of programs out there teach you to face and fight cravings. These might include CBT techniques, internet filters, accountability buddies, talk therapy, or church or religious programs.
You don't need to figure out your cravings, nor do you need to use special techniques to deal with them. Instead, you need to get to the root of why your brain craves porn and remove that root. You need to build a recovery mindset and lifestyle, retraining your brain each day so that eventually you don't crave porn anymore.
I'm helping people do this right now. Take my client Victor for example:
“After going through several therapists in the past two decades, this is by far the best experience I have had. The program is well structured and was designed to produce individual transformation. I can say with certainty that this curriculum is different from anything I've ever experienced. Jake is ready to listen and interested in what I have to say, there is no judgment, but a place of genuine empathy. He's also ready to teach from personal experience, heart-to-heart.”
Victor experienced a transformation in perspective and new lifestyle habits that empowered his recovery.
So, if you’re ready to explore this path and see if the program is right for you, set up a Free Evaluation Call with me. During the call, you and I will break down the causes of your porn addiction together. You will gain personalized direction and insights for your recovery. I’ll also be happy to answer any questions you have about the program. Set up your FREE Evaluation call now, or you can learn more about the program here.
The No More Desire Intensive Recovery Program teaches you how to stop porn addiction by guiding you through each step to build a recovery mindset and lifestyle so you can remove the roots of your pornography addiction.
This mindset and lifestyle is developed through specialized weekly one-on-one sessions, daily assessments and accountability, a step-by-step structured recovery program, hands-on exercises, and a tailored and personalized recovery plan.
You and I don't just meet once a week for me to ask, “So, how's recovery going?” My intensive porn addiction recovery program is personalized and applied. I empower my clients by having them fill out 10-15 minute daily assessments that inform me of exactly what challenges they are facing during the week. I review these assessments before I come to the session, so I have solutions ready when we meet.
In addition, my clients and I create a tailored and personalized recovery plan over months of time. This plan informs you of exactly what you need to do for daily recovery, so you are never confused, and your recovery is supported by a thorough system and structure.
To get started, set up a Free Evaluation Call with me or learn more about the Intensive Porn Addiction Recovery Program here.
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