Today, you're going to use 3 evidence-based IFS principles to learn how to quit porn by making friends with the addict part of your brain.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy is a powerful framework for overcoming addiction. It takes a non-traditional approach that has been studied and utilized for 40 years, and has been shown to be highly effective.
Using this approach, you'll discover how to make peace with the part of you that has consistently led you to porn addiction - this part that creates destruction in your life right now.
You’re going to learn how to make it your ally, your best friend, something that actually helps you rather than hurts you.
If you’re like I was during the many years I was addicted to porn, you’ve likely become tired and frustrated with this addict part of your brain that keeps acting against you. You've been fighting it and trying to shut it up.
In order for you to quit porn, your frustration and fighting needs to end, and you need to become connected with this addict part of you, and see it with more clarity and understanding. Only then can you redirect it down a positive path, and overcome porn addiction.
You'll see how this is done in today's article.
The Label “Porn Addict” Does Not Define You
You’re a good man. I want to say that upfront. I remember feeling worthless, like I was a terrible person and that's why I couldn't stop porn.
There was a time I wanted to take my own life. I've been there.
You might think, "Jake, that's not true. I'm a bad person. Look at everything I've done."
I used to tell myself those things too. But you just have some habits that aren’t serving you or the people around you.
You have this part of you - this addict part - that takes control sometimes. Instead of the real you—the good you—being in the driver’s seat, this addict part takes over, leaving you in the backseat wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I control myself? Why do I keep doing this to my wife and kids? Why do I know better but not do better?”
You’re Not Weak
This isn't because you’re weak. It’s not because you lack willpower. Also, you don’t just have an overactive sex drive. Don’t believe the lies that you have a high libido and that’s why you’re addicted to porn or struggle so much with masturbation.
That’s a bunch of garbage. Desire for sex does contribute, but it by no means is the reason we get addicted.
Generally, you have an active mind. You’re a very intense person. You’re passionate and feel things strongly. I know this because I work with people like you every day.
All this energy can be pointed towards sexual desire, porn, and pleasure, but ultimately, it’s just energy. You can learn how to channel it.
Turn the “Addict Part” of You into Your Ally Using IFS Principles
I used to think this was impossible. I struggled with porn and masturbation cravings 24/7, essentially from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, and even woke up craving it in the middle of the night.
That was my life for years. It sucked. It was horrible. But I was still a good man trying to do good things.
If this is your life - constantly craving - it doesn’t have to be. Your life can change, no matter what your past looks like.
As much as this force inside you pushes you to addiction and is currently destructive, that same force can become your best friend. It can urge you towards overcoming obstacles, serving people, loving people, adventuring, and taking risks.
Today, we’re going to talk about how to transform the addict part of your brain from a destructive force into an encouraging, organizing, adventuring, and courageous force.
You’re going to turn destruction into production—being productive in work, family, and personal life; mentally, physically, spiritually, and relationally. It’s going to feel amazing.
The principles I teach today are not magic. They are key evidence-based principles, grounded in IFS (Internal Family Systems), a psychological approach that has proved time and time again to be effective in helping people overcome addiction and deep psychological pain and lead new, inspired lives. Let’s dive right in.
Principle 1: The Addict Inside Intends to Help, Not Hurt
The addict part of you intends to help, not hurt you. What does that mean? It’s based on concepts within Internal Family Systems (IFS), a system founded by Dr. Richard Schwartz about 40 years ago that has transformed lives.
This approach has been effective for people deemed incurable in the psychological field, including psychopaths, sociopaths, and serial killers (and those struggling with addiction). IFS isn’t magic, but it can create rapid healing. I’m not taking you through a therapeutic process here, but I’ll teach key concepts you can use to process thoughts and emotions and experience mental healing that fuels porn addiction recovery.
IFS teaches that we often think of ourselves as one individual, but we have many parts or sub-personalities. This isn’t multiple personality disorder; rather, it’s about parts of us that make up who we are. These parts have different strengths, weaknesses, and characteristics. For example, I have a creative part, a nurturing part, a protective part, a performer, an adventurer, and more. All these parts contribute to who I am: Jake.
In IFS, there’s also the “Self,” the wisest part of us that should lead our lives. In a healthy individual, the Self leads, and the parts assist.
When we face stress, another part might take the lead, but ideally, the Self stays at the head. This ‘Self’ is present, wise, accepting, understanding, open to learning, and connected to people.
With the Self leading, the parts can work together, appreciate one another, and contribute positively.
The first principle from Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I want to share is this: the addict part of you intends to help, not hurt. This might sound odd, but it’s a powerful concept. IFS teaches that there are no bad parts—only parts that have been burdened or hurt.
The addict part of you took control during difficult times in your life to protect you. Maybe you faced abuse, neglect, or extreme competition for attention. This part of you tried to shield you from further pain by turning to porn as a coping mechanism. Understanding this intention is crucial.
This part of you is not your enemy; it’s trying to help you survive. And it needs to be validated and seen so you can start to assess what it is actually feeling and why it is continuously trying to protect you using pornography addiction.
Principle 2: Use Compassion to Overcome Porn Addiction
To stay sober, we need to use compassion, not force. We can’t willpower our way into sobriety. Willpower alone doesn’t work. We can’t simply ‘stop watching porn’; we need a total overhaul of our lifestyle and mindset. This overhaul happens in small steps, and compassion is a key strategy.
In IFS, parts need to be heard and validated. Managers and firefighters are types of protectors that try to keep us safe. Managers focus on tasks to distract us from pain, while firefighters use anger, intimidation, or other means to put out emotional fires. These parts act out of a desire to protect us, even if their methods are destructive.
Using compassion to overcome porn addiction means understanding and validating the pain these protectors are bearing and trying to help us avoid. Why are they doing what they’re doing? What are they trying to protect us from? By hearing and validating these parts, we can help them heal and work more effectively. This addict part, or protector, has the best of intentions to keep us safe and prevent suffering.
Sometimes these parts are stuck in the past, frozen in time due to trauma. They may be stuck at a young age, carrying the burdens of past hurt. Trauma can freeze parts of us, and these parts may act out destructively because they’re still trying to protect us from past pain.
It's crucial not to compare your trauma to others'—what matters is how it impacted you. And by exploring it using professional help, you can unfreeze these parts over time and remove the roots of your porn addiction.
Principle 3: Redirect the ‘Addict Part’ of You
Once you've heard these parts out, then you can actually ask them what they’d like to do instead of being destructive.
You can only ask them this once you've given them time to be validated, to be heard, to understand the pain underneath the surface.
If you do this properly, you'll often get an answer and it's helpful to write it out. If it is a good answer, I believe you’ll find that it is accepting, understanding, surrendering, or empowering.
And if you believe in God, include God in this. Ask that you be inspired. And then choose what is that thing that you're going to do instead of the addiction in order to feel at peace or what new role this part of you is going to play in your life.
And, from what I know, this part of you is going to become your cheerleader, your inspirer, or your assistant. It's going to assist you in accomplishing, experiencing, and exploring. Or, whatever it might look like for you individually. It wants to be as helpful as possible. It wants to contribute massive value because it's been working so hard for so many years to help you, and if it can do so better then it wants to.
This “addict part of you” deserves your compassion, it deserves your love, your admiration for what it's tried to do. It's worked very, very hard. So help it by validating it and collaborating with it to redirect in positive ways.
Stop Porn Addiction Using Evidence-based Daily Practices
By understanding these principles and applying them with compassion, you can transform the addict part of your brain from a force of destruction into a positive, productive force. This journey isn’t easy, and it takes time, but with the right approach, your life can change for the better. You’re worthy of an amazing life, and with the right tools to stop porn addiction, you can do it.
If you want to quit porn for good, the No More Desire Intensive Porn Addiction Recovery Program is a hands-on, personalized approach to recovery that utilizes evidence-based psychological and behavioral strategies and practices. I don’t simply meet with my clients for an hour each week, instead my approach is specialized, directed, and solution-focused. Each session is informed and planned using a system based on daily assessments my clients take that show me exactly what they’re facing, as well as step-by-step recovery exercises and a tailored and personalized recovery plan.
So, if you’re ready to explore this path and see if the program is right for you, check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I will give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more
You can also check out my Free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits.
So, head to nomoredesire.com to watch the Free Workshop or pick up the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
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Transcript of Episode 61: Transform the Porn Addict Part of You Into Your Greatest Ally Using 3 Key Principles from IFS
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