If you’re married and you struggle with a porn addiction, what can you do when your wife is triggered? How can you help her, hold appropriate boundaries for yourself, and empower your relationship?
In today's article, you'll learn how to hold boundaries and use the language of safety to handle triggers and diffuse your wife's anger and other challenging emotions.
I have seen a recurring trend with my clients who struggle with pornography addiction. Many have no boundaries with their partners. They face some very serious struggles and confusion in their marriage, trying to figure out how to react when their wives with betrayal trauma are triggered. In other words, when their wives become angry, defensive, lash out, become critical and insulting, or they shut down and give their husbands the silent treatment.
Very common these days - even in circles of recovery - is the tendency to believe that the porn addict can have no expectations or standards for how he is treated, because of the fact that he has betrayed his wife by watching porn, and that ALL of the issues in their relationship stem from his behavior. His wife can berate and put him down, and it is “justified” because of his porn addiction.
This kind of treatment can deeply hurt the addict, who by the way, despite his self-centered behavior, is a human being. Betrayed wives will sometimes blame their addict husbands for everything that’s wrong, and this crushes their husband’s self-esteem, causing him to feel hated and worthless. This works against the very thing that the wife wants most, which is a capable, responsible, and selfless husband. Not to mention this does not help him stop watching porn.
An addict’s betrayal of their spouse is, without a doubt, selfish. But it is also personally devastating and traumatic for the addict to endure. To overcome porn addiction requires far more than willpower, motivation, or a decision to stop. The recovering addict needs the proper recovery mindset and lifestyle tools, and qualified help for porn addiction.
Part of building this recovery lifestyle and mindset is to learn how to effectively engage with your romantic partner. Today, we will discuss the following to help you do this:
Understanding the trauma of porn addiction
Understanding the what, why, and how of triggers for betrayed spouses
Understanding a spouse’s betrayal trauma
Taking ownership over your side of the marriage (and letting the other person’s go)
What boundaries are and are not
How to help your betrayed spouse through…
Using the language of safety
Holding appropriate boundaries
Holding daily couple’s check-ins
The Devastation of Porn Addiction on a Marriage
What I state in today’s article many people are not going to like. As a clarification, I don’t say any of this to downplay the extremely significant and heart-breaking experiences of women across the world whose husbands have indeed betrayed them by engaging with porn.
I know how devastating the betrayal trauma of porn addiction in a marriage can be to a woman’s psyche. It can make her feel unwanted, unloved, and confused. It robs her of trust and makes her feel as if there is nothing left to hold on to. It can cause her to believe that her husband’s pornography addiction is her fault and if she were only more beautiful then he wouldn’t be addicted.
There is no valid excuse or justification for husbands viewing porn. It is a betrayal of their spouse, and it does eventually - through the proper channels of porn addiction recovery - need to come to an end.
It’s by no means easy or instant - overcoming porn addiction is one of the hardest ordeals I’ve ever faced in my life, and was for me, personally, far harder to beat than drug or alcohol addiction combined. It depends on who you are. That’s the way it was for me.
But, despite the seeming impossibility of quitting porn, it can and must be done if a husband is going to become the man he has always wanted to be, and who his wife needs him to be.
The Two-sided Trauma of Porn Addiction in Marriage
All of this said, there are two sides to the story of porn addiction in a marriage.
Both the spouses who have faced betrayal trauma and addicts suffer deeply.
If you are a spouse of an addict, as much as you want to blame them for all of the problems in your marriage - and as justifiable as it seems to do so - doing this will not heal your marriage nor will it clear you of the deep psychological pain you suffer. Even if your husband gets sober, you will still need to do your own healing…as unfair as that is.
On the other end, if you struggle with porn addiction, it will not help you to blame your spouse because they don’t “satisfy” you. That, my friend, is called delusion.
Even if your wife had the perfect body, you would still feel the need for porn, because porn is not just a sexual outlet, but is primarily a mental coping mechanism. The same way that all addictions function as a means of dealing with internal (and often unconscious) psychological burdens and insecurities, porn addiction is no different. Your wife cannot fix this with her body.
If you want to learn more about this, it’s all over my blog. One helpful article to read or listen to is Porn Addiction is Just a Symptom
What Does it Mean for a Betrayed Spouse to Be “Triggered”?
The spouse of a porn addict becomes “triggered” when they react in ways that are overly intense or seem too extreme of a reaction to a given situation.
On the side of the betrayed spouse, this entails a flare up of negative emotions, often including anger, aggression, defensiveness, panic, or shutting down or emotionally disengaging (stonewalling).
Why Does a Betrayed Spouse Become Triggered?
What we have to understand as the pornography addict in the relationship is that we do not have control over our spouse’s emotions. Some of us unconsciously carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and when our spouse becomes upset or depressed we enter a shame space, blaming ourselves for her pain.
When a betrayed spouse becomes “triggered” it is due to a long history of emotional abuse or neglect that occurred both during and often before marriage. Many women have histories of emotional pain or abuse to some degree or another, and they carry this into the marriage. If they are not able to remove the weight of these psychological burdens, those burdens are often made heavier by the betrayal trauma suffered at the hand of the addicted spouse.
It’s important to recognize that everyone carries burdens and baggage into a marriage. While we cannot take full ownership for our spouse’s emotional pain, we can take ownership over our side of the street, doing as much as we can to be selflessly supportive and loving, and to practice being accepting of our spouse’s imperfections.
No doubt this is easier said than done. But that’s marriage for everyone…not just those of us that have addictions and betrayal traumas.
Betrayal Trauma in a Marriage with Porn Addiction
If you are addicted to porn, you have to understand that the psychological damage of your pornography addiction on your spouse is often complex and extreme.
While you may have become addicted to porn for reasons far deeper than a desire for sex, most women do not understand this.
For most women, sex is a deeply emotional matter. Detaching sex from emotion is simply unthinkable. For the male mind, on the other hand, it tends naturally to be a far more physical experience than an emotional one. Which is not to say it can’t become emotional as well with conscious effort and practice.
When men deal with underlying emotional struggles, in my experience they are more likely to be unconscious to these struggles than women are. Porn can provide a relief or distraction from the emotional pain a man is unconsciously attempting to numb using his porn habit.
This is extremely difficult for a woman to understand. And even when she does, it doesn’t take away the deep hurt that comes with her spouse’s behavior.
Betrayal trauma in a marriage with porn addiction is complex and often involves three types of injuries:
Attachment Injury: The trust and vulnerability of the relational bond is significantly damaged.
Emotional & Psychological Injury: The confusing experience of being lied to, manipulated, coerced, and/or intimidated.
Sexual Injury: The impact on the betrayed partner’s sexuality.
This complex trauma is no small matter. It often takes years to heal from, and there may always be emotional scars from the trauma.
The Porn Addict Also Suffers Trauma in the Marriage
It’s necessary to talk about the pain on the side of the porn addict as well, especially as their side is understandably not often told.
The betrayed spouse’s pain cannot be compared to. But as someone who was addicted to porn myself, I can confirm that porn addiction is extremely traumatic for the one engaged in it as well.
Porn addicts suffer a great loss of trust in themselves. They also often suffer a great deal at the hands of their betrayed spouse, who (rightfully so) is deeply hurt and can often become angry, aggressive, critical, and even insulting.
Symptoms for the porn addict include:
Intense shame and guilt
Anxiety and depression
Troubles with focus and attention
Loss of self-trust and self-confidence
Feelings of detachment, loneliness, and isolation
Confusion, anger, and frustration
Self-loathing, self-hatred, and suicidal thoughts or attempts
I think that it is not a coincidence that a porn addict harms themselves in many of the same ways they harm their spouse. We treat others the way we treat ourselves. This is often how life works on a spiritual or existential level.
If you or your spouse are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Taking Ownership Over Your Side of the Marriage
Husbands, you cannot control your wives. Wives, you cannot control your husbands. You cannot make them heal. You cannot force them to get help. You cannot save them from their suffering. As much as you want to.
Whether you are the addict or the spouse of the addict, there are three helpful things that you can do:
Take ownership over your own psychological healing and habits. I believe this will make the greatest impact.
Learn to be as selflessly loving and supportive as possible. Even when your spouse doesn’t deserve it.
Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them, no matter what the other person’s reaction is.
Notice that none of these include:
Coercion or control
Berating, insulting, or tearing down
Manipulating using victimhood or guilt-tripping tactics
If you are the spouse of an addict, it may be “fair” or “justified” for you to use these measures against your spouse, but you need to decide for yourself whether acting in these ways is part of who you want to be as a person, regardless of what your addicted spouse has done.
And, of course, this is not simple. It’s not easy. It hurts.
How to Appropriately Use Boundaries in Your Marriage
To know what boundaries are, it is necessary to first know what they are not.
What Boundaries Are Not
Holding boundaries in your marriage does not mean:
Telling your spouse what to do
Forcing your spouse to comply using manipulation, anger, or coercion
Beating your spouse down, determining they no longer have a say, or declaring “I am the captain of this ship now! And what I say goes!”
If you do this, do not be surprised when your addicted spouse reacts to you in kind. Just to be completely frank.
Again, is it easy not to do this? No. Would it be fair for you to force him to change, tell him off, or get mad? Yes. But, again, you need to decide who you want to be. Regardless of how your spouse behaves.
Who do you want to be? How do you want to behave? What will you stand for? What will you not stand for?
The same is true for the addict when it comes to their boundaries.
Boundaries are not about forcing someone else to make choices. It is about letting them know what choices you will make, and then following through regardless of the other person’s reactions.
Now, if you are in an abusive situation, this gets more complex, and you should seek out professional help.
What Boundaries Are
Holding boundaries in your marriage does mean:
Putting up (or taking down) your own “fences” based on what you will or will not put up with. Deciding not what your spouse will do, but what you will do if your boundaries are broken.
Living according to your own authentic needs, while giving room for reasonable accommodation where it is appropriate.
Maintaining boundaries regardless of another person’s reactions; not allowing another’s emotions to be a “temperature gauge” for your own.
Acting with maturity and care for your own well-being.
Appropriately and effectively informing your spouse of your concerns for their well-being while releasing responsibility or control over their choices and outcomes.
Is any of this easy? Heck no.
Is it fair? Probably not!
Is it necessary, though, if you want to get better in the long-run.
Boundaries Are Not Battering Rams
It is very tempting to use boundaries like battering rams. It is even encouraged in some circles.
Some see aggression and force on the part of the addict’s spouse as “empowerment”. They tell women to turn from victim to perpetrator (though they use different terms), and they call it “recovery from betrayal-trauma”.
In almost all cases, both spouse and addict have an equal amount of healing to do. In fact, in many cases the spouse has more healing to do. This is due to the damage of the betrayal trauma being stacked on top of previous psychological trauma that the spouse of the addict came with. I see this all the time.
Again, this isn’t fair. And it isn’t right. It just is.
This being the case, if you are an addict then it is up to you to be understanding of the deep hurt your spouse is experiencing and expect that there will be many tears, hard feelings, and likely anger. Is all of it your fault? No. But there is much you can do to help.
No one is perfect in their healing. Don’t expect your spouse to be.
How Can You Help When Your Wife is Triggered?
If you are addicted to porn, and your spouse struggles with betrayal trauma, it is helpful to understand three things:
The road before you is long and hard. Don’t rush healing or expect it to happen quickly. In many cases, it takes years. Just take it one day at a time.
It’s best if you walk this road together, facing porn addiction as a team, instead of one spouse against the other.
Your marriage can become stronger than ever. Eventually, this suffering will result in a deeper connection if you have faith and are willing to fight for it.
Marriages that endure intense hardship will either be broken or built by that hardship. In order for you to be built by it, you’ll each need to learn how to take ownership over your own healing and release ownership over the other person’s healing. You’ll also need to practice love, empathy, validation, and selflessness, and at the same time hold appropriate boundaries.
But what can you do (specifically) when your spouse is triggered? There are 3 crucial practices:
Learn to Use the Language of Safety.
Learn to Hold Appropriate Boundaries (yes, even the addict should have these).
Hold Daily Couple’s Check-ins
What is the Language of Safety?
The language of safety is a universal structure for communicating with spouses who have betrayal trauma. If we are a porn addict, it is the general process we learn to follow in order to show our betrayed spouse appropriate love and care and to hold ourselves accountable.
The language of safety involves the following three steps:
Empathy: Showing care and compassion for your partner’s pain. Communicating messages akin to the following:
“I hear what you’re saying.”
“I see your pain.”
“Thank you for opening up to me.”
“I know this is so hard for you.”
Acknowledgment: Acknowledge the wrong that you have done, which has caused or contributed to your wife’s emotional pain. You could say things such as the following:
“No wife deserves to have gone through what you’ve been through.”
“I’m so sorry I have done this to you.”
“This is not your fault. It isn’t fair to you.”
“It makes sense that you’d feel this way based on our history and the things I’ve done to you in the past.”
Needs: Ask what you can do to help. You could use phrases such as the following:
“What can I do for you today and in the future?”
“What do you need most from me right now?”
“How can I be of the most service to you?”
It is important to notice that none of these steps involve excuses, justifications, or explanations.
Often our first inclination can be to attempt to diffuse the situation by explaining to our spouse:
Why what we did wasn’t so bad
Why they don’t need to be so hurt
Explain away our responsibility
Give reasons for our harmful behavior
All of these reactions are natural, and none of them are helpful. They make it worse.
So, it is up to us to practice becoming “observers of our mind”. See the justifications, the rationalizations, and the BS that our brain comes up with, and act on none of it. Instead, giving our wife space to be witnessed, understood, and cared for, while holding appropriate boundaries for ourselves.
How Can I Hold Boundaries With My Wife When I’m A Porn Addict?
When they start the intensive porn addiction recovery program, many of my clients assume that because they have struggled with a pornography addiction they have no rights to respect, and that their wife now runs the show. They believe that because their porn addiction has been so hurtful for their wife, they now must accept any amount of poor treatment because they deserve it.
While it is your responsibility as a husband to practice replacing selfish behaviors with selfless behaviors, you also need to know that not all behaviors on the part of your spouse are acceptable.
While you have done things that have caused harm, and you do need to go through a process of transformation to quit porn, you are also a human being and you should not accept treatment that is insulting or harmful. You do deserve a certain level of respect - as all people do - and you should not engage with abusive behavior.
Here are a few pointers when it comes to holding boundaries:
Hold reasonable, authentic boundaries: Boundaries are not meant to uphold your own self-centered “needs”. They are meant to keep you safe and strengthen the marriage by keeping appropriate rules in place. Define boundaries for yourself while considering the needs of others in the family.
Your boundaries are yours (not hers): Your choices and boundaries are not based on the behavior of your spouse. She does not need to approve of your boundaries. Do not expect her to hold your boundaries for you. You must hold them regardless of her reaction.
Know when you’ve reached your limit: It is not helpful to engage in angry, critical, or insulting conversations with your partner. These will only further damage your relationship. Know when you need to call it quits temporarily, and communicate that need with your wife/spouse.
Take a break: If your wife starts to become overly critical, personally insulting, or to berate you DO NOT ENGAGE. You are a human being. You do not need to involve yourself in harmful communication. But you also cannot control your spouse. What you can do is say “I’m becoming angry. This isn’t a good situation. I need to take a break and we can revisit this later.”
With all of this in mind, it is important to accept the negative emotions of your spouse. She’s a human, not a robot.
Give your wife space to express her hard emotions. Know that these will be heavy and uncomfortable for you to hear, and that’s okay. Take ownership over your actions and avoid excuses. Acknowledge your wrongs and take responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made.
If things get heated and you ask to take a break, and your wife ventures onward and all she wants to do is insult you, you need to remove yourself from the situation. You could say something like:
“I’m really trying to be here for you. But I’m starting to feel really upset and I need to take a break. I’m going to go and tap into my support system and do my work, and I hope you’ll do the same. Can we come back at ______ (time) to talk about this?”
You have to lead out when it comes to holding your own boundaries. Part of leading out is to know when to take a break. If you insist on engaging in toxic communication, you are going to do nothing good for your relationship. Cease it immediately. You have to disengage.
If this requires you literally running or driving away with your wife screaming at you the whole way, so be it.
Hold Daily Couple’s Check-ins
You’ve probably been told that “communication is number one” in a marriage. In my experience, simply knowing this doesn’t matter. We have to apply it. To do so, we need to create a system that supports good communication. A valuable part of this system is daily couple’s check-ins.
A daily couple’s check-in is a daily touchpoint where we have an emotionally meaningful and structurally practical connection with our partner.
While there are many different ways to conduct a daily couple’s check-in, here are some of the key practices:
Calendar: Share what one another’s events and responsibilities are for that day. Know what’s on your partner’s plate so you can collaborate, support, and have clear expectations for one another.
Appreciation: Share one specific thing that your spouse did over the last 24 hours that you really appreciated. This will help bring you together and foster more love and optimism in your relationship.
Goals: Discuss a goal you're working on together, how you feel it's going, and any changes you may need to make. Or, share information or feelings about a goal you're personally working on. Be supportive and encouraging to each other.
Needs: Talk to your partner about something you need from them. If they respond, be compassionate, open, and willing to listen to anything they have to say about the matter.
Recovery: If your spouse is open to it, share what you are learning in recovery. They should know what you’re working on so they can feel encouraged by your progress.
By no means do you need to cover each of these items every single day. If you want to, that’s great! But be open to one or two items being more important than others on a given day.
In my opinion, it’s always a good idea to go over the calendar for the day, so you can have clear expectations and priorities. The other items, though, may get somewhat redundant if done every single day, versus picking and choosing depending on what’s most needed that day.
Learn How to Stop Watching Porn
Most porn addiction recovery programs are going to teach you how to face and fight porn cravings. They do this using CBT techniques, mindfulness techniques, Internet filters, accountability buddies, praying away cravings, etc…
These methods don’t address the root causes of porn addiction. They may help you stop watching porn, but you’ll still experience daily cravings and temptations. True recovery doesn’t feel that way.
If you want to not only overcome porn addiction, but actually lose your desire for porn, you must do the intensive work to get down to the root causes of your porn cravings. How? By building a recovery mindset and lifestyle, so that eventually you no longer crave porn.
My Intensive Porn Addiction Recovery Program gives you a step-by-step system to build this recovery mindset and lifestyle. It is developed through:
Daily Assessments that instill the mental habits of recovery, and give you insights into what cravings actually are, where they come from, and how to overcome them.
Structured Recovery Program with exercises to transform your mindset and lifestyle one step at a time.
Tailored Recovery Plan that you and I build out together, and which contains your personal answers to get rid of porn cravings. This will be the plan you’ll use every single day to stay sober for the rest of your life.
Weekly 1-on-1 Sessions with a coach who has proven professional experience helping men recover, as well as personal experience with recovery.
There is no other system designed like the No More Desire program. It is a program that is intensive, personalized, structured, and it helps you build a recovery mindset and lifestyle so that you can lose your desire for porn.
If you’re ready to get rid of porn addiction, set up a Free 30-min Consultation with me. During the call, you and I will break down the causes of your porn addiction together. You will gain personalized direction and insights for your recovery, and I’ll answer any questions that you have about the program. Set up your Free Consultation now.
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