Today, I address common questions many men I’ve worked with have had about porn addiction in marriage. We’ll talk about how wives can unfortunately become sex objects in today's cultural climate (and how to put a stop to it), and how a husband can:
Overcome sexual obsession so he can lead a happier, more fulfilling life.
Feel truly sexually satisfied in the relationship.
Help his wife feel safe, accepted, and loved.
Quit porn by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle.
If you’re a spouse of a porn addict, this article is also for you. You will gain a far deeper understanding of porn addiction, and (I hope) a compassion for your partner who is struggling with it.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. And you can both heal and get better, and I'll give you a path to do this step-by-step in this article.
Understanding the Impact of Porn Addiction in Marriage
Many men and women are extremely concerned by the effects porn addiction has had on their marriage. They are also uncertain about how to approach the sexual relationship and satisfaction in their marriage, especially as porn addiction has tainted so many of the would-be pure and positive parts of that relationship.
Here are some of the questions and concerns men in my program have had about porn addiction and their marital sexual relationship:
“I find my wife to be very beautiful. So why do I keep going to porn and masturbation? What’s wrong with me?”
“Is looking at sexual videos/images of my wife considered porn?”
“Can having sex with my wife fuel my porn addiction? After all, don’t I want to be ‘addicted’ to my wife? Isn’t that a good thing?”
“When I have sex with my wife, I feel the addict part of me emerge. This is very discouraging for me. It almost makes me not want to have sex with my wife anymore and risk activating the porn addiction wiring in my brain. What should I do?”
“My wife says that I want to have sex with her too often. But I’m a man, so I want to have sex more than she does. Isn’t it reasonable for her to accommodate that need and have sex with me a little more often than she might prefer? After all, I am her husband.”
“I don’t find my wife very attractive. I see that as a major reason for my addiction to porn. If she just [lost some weight, exercised, took better care of herself, dolled herself up, etc.], then I wouldn’t have a need to go to porn.”
If you feel any of these ways, or if you have a spouse struggling with these challenges, I want to tell you that you’re not alone.
There are millions of men who are addicted to porn now.
Men across the world are finding it difficult to get aroused in the bedroom without porn due to Porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction.
They’re discouraged by sexual obsession—cravings for porn and sex that seem to rule their minds.
They aren’t able to form meaningful relationships with their wives or women they’re dating.
Their spouses feel unwanted and unloved, like they’re not enough, that they’re not beautiful, or that the standard is too high when compared to these perfect women that their husbands are viewing online.
Quite frankly, to whatever degree, women can feel like they’re sex objects sometimes, or that their husbands are obsessed with sex.
If you’re a man who struggles with porn addiction, I think it’s safe to say you don’t want to be obsessed with sex. You want to love your wife, and for sex with her to be enough. So sometimes, you will think:
“If I can just become ‘addicted’ to my wife, then all will be well. I’ll get away from this addiction to porn.”
In today’s article, I’m going to help you see all of this through a lens that you may not have seen it through before—by pointing out several places where we go wrong in our thinking about sex in a relationship, and several ways we can improve these ways of thinking in order to heal our brains so we can have a positive sexual relationship that is balanced by a recovery mindset and lifestyle that lends itself to a happier, healthier connection between man and wife.
So, take notes because the insights you gain today have already helped many of my clients, and I believe they will transform your life if you apply them.
Before Marriage: A Porn Addict’s Brain
If you struggle with porn addiction, it has, in part, become your mentor—teaching you what makes a relationship meaningful and what sex should look like.
One of the most disturbing effects of porn is that it gives you a false sense that sex is at the center of a relationship, rather than an appendage. This belief system becomes ingrained because of how porn consumption works.
With porn, we go from 0 to 100 in a second. The instant we see a woman, she is already displayed before us in the most physically vulnerable fashion possible—before we ever get to know her, understand her, sacrifice for her, love her—nothing.
“Sex is at the Center of the Relationship”
Porn teaches us that sex requires no significant investment in the relationship. It also teaches us to some extent that the relationship is the means and sex is the end.
When a man has been addicted to porn, and he gets married, he enters that marriage with this belief system intact, to whatever degree it exists. It doesn’t mean he believes marriage is only about sex necessarily, but his time watching porn has often influenced his mind to think more this way—to put sex up on a pedestal and make it a significant focus for him that surpasses other things it shouldn’t.
When a man goes through porn addiction recovery, he can change this belief system if he has the right knowledge, tools, and skills to do so. The less he watches porn, the more balanced and beneficial his belief system will become.
However, if a man who has struggled with a porn addiction does not go through this process and continues to watch porn, then it is likely that the very same mechanism set up in his mind surrounding porn will be set up surrounding marriage.
In other words, his wife can, in part, become an object of his addiction—a sex object to a degree.
Again, it’s not an all-or-nothing type of thing; please don’t misunderstand me.
Many men have had the belief that once they enter marriage, it will be the answer to all of their porn problems. They’ll simply replace pornography with sex, and then everything will be solved. Makes enough sense!
Porn is Not About Satisfying a Need for Sex
But if I told you that your addiction to heroin or meth would be solved by getting married, what would you tell me?
You’d probably tell me I was crazy.
This is a similar logic to expecting that our addiction to porn will be solved by getting married. Why? Because sex is not the need we are trying to solve with porn. It’s a tiny part of it—maybe about 10%—but there are so many other reasons we seek out an addiction.
We become addicted to drugs or alcohol because we are trying to escape or numb ourselves to mental and emotional suffering—whether consciously or unconsciously—and porn is no different. We seek it out as a way to numb out, escape, and distract ourselves from hard things that we are feeling—ranging from anxiety to depression, to loneliness, to a lack of fulfillment, to societal pressure, to anger we’re carrying, to trauma from the past, insecurities, perfectionism, shame habits, etc.
During Marriage: A Porn Addict’s Brain
So, when we enter marriage expecting that our wife will replace our need for porn, in effect, we unconsciously expect that having sex with her will become the solution to the mental and emotional suffering we have been trying to escape using porn.
Our Wife Becomes the Object of Addiction
Hence, she becomes the object of our addiction. She becomes the replacement for our coping mechanism of watching porn. She becomes a sexual object.
That is, until the addict part of us gets bored of having sex with her, or feels emotionally betrayed or put upon by her, or feels she is not giving it what it wants. Then, that addict part of us will relapse with porn, as sex with one woman simply cannot compete with virtual sex with thousands of women.
How can a real human being who has needs, wants, and preferences different from our own possibly compete with the instant gratification of an electronic device that requires nothing in return for its sexual pleasure?
This can become incredibly confusing for both the sufferer of the addiction and the betrayed spouse. As the one suffering with the addiction, we can’t yet perceive all of the reasons why we feel a need for porn, nor can we perceive the holes we are trying to fill with porn and sex. If we could fully comprehend these holes, then we could begin filling them. We don’t yet see them for what they are.
So, quite naturally, we perceive what’s on the surface, which is a craving for porn and sex, and we continue to seek it out.
Our spouse, in all their confusion and severe hurt, doesn’t trust us to have sex with them, because they fear the way we turn them into an object of our pleasure (which they may not really understand or perceive), or they feel hurt because we choose porn instead of them, which causes them to feel unwanted and unloved.
Porn Addiction is a ‘Protective’ Mental Mechanism
On a deeper level, the addict part of us uses porn and sex cravings as a way to ‘protect’ or distract us from underlying mental and emotional suffering.
This has nothing to do with our spouses being satisfactory or attractive. Whether it’s sex with them or sex with a computer screen, we try to use sex and porn as a way to cope with issues unrelated to sexual desire, and it will never be enough, no matter how pleasurable.
So, in order to overcome addiction to porn—and to stop perceiving our wife as a means of getting our “fix”—we need to develop a ‘no more porn’ mindset and lifestyle to manage or overcome the root causes of our insecurities, our anxieties, our feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, lack of fulfillment or purpose, etc.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Sexual Relationships
Now that we’ve talked about the roots of addiction generally, let’s discuss what we can do to overcome sexual obsession, stop turning our wives into objects of our addiction and pleasure, and build a truly meaningful relationship in which sex is a happy, healthy part.
Just as a preface, I’m not going to be addressing sexual abuse, as I think it’s clear that’s not okay and not healthy. What I discuss below can certainly be a part of abuse, but I’ll be addressing our mindset and dynamics that are a bit more nuanced than that—behaviors that we may see as normal in a relationship, that are causing us problems, but that we don’t fully recognize yet.
1. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. It’s not at the center.
Healthy relationships do not place sex at the center of the relationship.
If you’re married, sex is an appendage, a beautiful cherry on top that makes things more special. It’s not the driving force of what makes a relationship meaningful or happy.
In a healthy relationship, if sex wasn’t there, the couple would still love each other, feel fulfilled, and be generally satisfied. Sure, it would be challenging on occasions to not have sex (Duh! It’s biology.), but there would be enough other substance to the relationship (and to each individuals’ inner world), that it would fill that space and each partner would be okay.
I’m not saying that a lack of sex is ideal. It’s not. What I am saying is that the emphasis of a healthy relationship is on love and commitment and everything else flows from that. Healthy sex flows from a healthy relationship. Not the other way around.
If sex is at the center, then it’s more likely that, like porn, we are using it to try to fill a mental and emotional need. And our spouse will feel that. They’ll feel we’re a bit obsessed or too focused on it. We might feel something is missing or that we’re not quite satisfied. And we’ll keep seeking it out, whether through sex with our spouse, masturbation, or porn.
So, one question to ask yourself is: “Is sex at the center of my marriage?” If you feel it is, how is that causing a lack of satisfaction for you or your spouse? What can you do to be less focused on sex and place it in its proper place as part of the relationship, not at the center?
2. Meaningful sex is not selfish.
Men I’ve worked with who struggle with porn addiction often feel unsatisfied after sex with their wife. For those with a religious background, they often feel guilty about it. They don’t feel like the act is as fulfilling as they want. They’re confused and can’t figure out why.
I think one of the root causes of this can be found in how sex was introduced to them through pornography.
With pornography, sex is primarily a selfish activity—a one-sided endeavor where we get to have the sexual high we want without much regard for the partner’s needs. In pornography, sex is used as a vehicle for escapism, a way to tune out from life’s challenges, and a temporary fix for emotional emptiness. This mindset, however, is at odds with what makes sex in a committed relationship truly fulfilling.
Fulfillment in a marital sexual relationship, however, is often much more deeply tied to a shared experience of intimacy and love—a connection that is mutual, selfless, and focused on giving as much as receiving. It involves being present, attentive, and attuned to each other's emotional and physical needs. In essence, it's not about what we get but about what we share.
Men who only see sex as an outlet for their own desires can find themselves feeling empty and unsatisfied even after the act, leading them to wonder why they aren’t feeling more complete or why the addiction feels like it’s still there.
If we approach sex as a mutually fulfilling experience, rather than a fix for emotional emptiness or an escape from life's challenges, we can begin to create a more meaningful sexual connection with our spouse.
3. Mindfulness and emotional presence are key.
In my experience, one of the major shifts that help men move away from using their wife as an object for addiction is developing mindfulness and emotional presence during sex. This means being fully present in the moment, not letting your mind wander to past experiences with pornography or letting your expectations override the current experience.
If you’re caught up in thinking, “Is this enough? Am I feeling what I should be feeling?”—you’re likely missing the point. Try to let go of any preconceived notions about what sex should be and focus instead on what it is in that moment: an opportunity to connect with your spouse on a deeper level.
One practical way to cultivate this mindfulness is to engage in shared activities outside of the bedroom that build emotional intimacy. The more connected you feel emotionally, the easier it will be to be present and mindful during sexual experiences.
4. Open communication can transform your relationship.
Lastly, open communication is crucial. Men often struggle to express their fears, insecurities, and feelings about sex due to societal norms or fear of rejection. However, openly discussing your feelings, needs, and expectations with your spouse can be liberating.
It allows for a shared understanding and fosters empathy. Instead of fearing your spouse’s judgment, you might find that they are more understanding and supportive than you think.
Open communication paves the way for deeper intimacy and helps dismantle the secrecy and shame that often accompany pornography and sex addiction.
If you’re struggling with sexual obsession or the sense that your wife has become an object of your addiction, know that you are not alone. Many men have been where you are, and many have found healing by shifting their mindset and focusing on building a healthy relationship grounded in mutual respect, love, and emotional connection.
Remember, recovery is not about suppressing desires or escaping your addiction through marriage. In part, it’s about transforming your approach to relationships, intimacy, and sex.
By understanding the deeper emotional needs underlying your addiction and committing to open communication, mindfulness, and a selfless approach to sex, you can begin to heal both yourself and your marriage.
Question & Answer: Navigating Porn Addiction in Marriage and Overcoming Sexual Obsession
To wrap up the article, I’m going to directly address the questions posed at the beginning. I hope these reflections resonate with you and give you inspired answers to the questions you or your spouse have had.
“I find my wife to be very beautiful. So why do I keep going to porn and masturbation? What’s wrong with me?”
This is a common question among men struggling with porn addiction.
The addict part of us can be very convincing, making us believe that our actions are driven by a desire for sex. However, as mentioned earlier, this is not the primary reason for seeking out porn and masturbation. It's a coping mechanism—a way to numb ourselves from mental and emotional distress.
Often, this distress is so deep-rooted and subconscious that it becomes difficult to identify until we start employing the tools of recovery.
It’s important to remember: It’s not about how beautiful your wife is. It’s about how you’re using sex or the idea of sex to manage feelings of discomfort or disconnection.
Your path to porn addiction recovery will involve identifying these feelings and learning healthier ways to cope with them that don’t rely on sexual escapism.
“Is watching a sexual video of my wife considered porn?”
For some men, particularly those in the military or who travel frequently for work, this question comes up often. There’s a misconception that watching a sexual video of your wife is different from watching porn because the content involves your spouse. While there may be a grain of truth to that, it's crucial to get honest about what’s really happening.
Ask yourself:
When you watch these videos, does it feel more like an addictive session with porn, or is it a shared, intimate experience?
Are you interacting with your wife, or are you simply seeking a fix, using her as a means to an end?
The distinction here lies in the intent and context. If it feels like another way to feed your addiction, it could be a sign that this behavior is more harmful than helpful to your recovery.
“Can having sex with my wife fuel my porn addiction? After all, don’t I want to be ‘addicted’ to my wife? Isn’t that a good thing?”
This question highlights a fundamental misunderstanding about addiction and intimacy.
Yes, having sex with your wife can indeed fuel your porn addiction, especially if you approach sex with a self-centered mindset. If your primary goal is personal gratification—if you’re seeking to "get your fix" rather than to connect with your spouse—then you’re simply transferring the addictive behavior from porn to your relationship.
However, if you enter the experience with the intention of mutual pleasure, connection, and intimacy, sex can become a powerful tool in your recovery. The key is shifting from a mindset of taking to one of giving and sharing.
Healthy sexual experiences are based on equality, mutual respect, and a genuine desire to connect. They can serve to strengthen your marriage and support your recovery journey by helping you develop a healthier relationship with sexuality.
“When I have sex with my wife, I feel the addict part of me emerge. This is very discouraging for me. It almost makes me not want to have sex with my wife anymore to avoid triggering my addiction. What should I do?”
This is a tough situation, but it's also a common experience among men in recovery from pornography addiction.
When you have a history of porn addiction, your brain has been conditioned to view sex through a lens of addiction rather than as a meaningful, connected experience. This can be incredibly discouraging and might even make you fear engaging in sexual activity with your spouse.
To move past this, you need to reframe your experiences of sex. Make it about “us” rather than “me.” Focus on serving your spouse, being present in the moment, and fostering a deep connection.
If necessary, communicate openly with your wife about your struggles and set boundaries to ensure that sexual experiences remain healthy and supportive of your recovery.
Remember that it’s okay to pause or step back if you feel the addict mindset taking over. Recovery is about progress, not perfection. Take each experience as a learning opportunity to grow closer together and build a healthier relationship.
How to Build a Healthy Sexual Relationship in Recovery
Here are some practical steps to help you build a healthier sexual relationship with your spouse, one that supports your recovery rather than undermines it:
Mindfulness and Emotional Presence: Develop the ability to be fully present during intimate moments. Focus on the here and now, rather than letting your mind drift to past experiences with pornography or unrealistic expectations.
Open Communication: Be honest with your spouse about your feelings, struggles, and progress. Open dialogue can lead to deeper understanding and empathy, helping both partners feel more connected and supported. Make sure when you do this to deeply consider your wife’s feelings and talk about how you only want to engage sexually with her when you’re in a healthy space, so she can feel valued and loved. And when you don’t do this successfully, forgive yourself and keep practicing.
Shift Focus from Obsession to Connection: Work on changing your mindset from seeing sex as a means to an end (satisfaction, release, etc.) to seeing it as an opportunity to connect and build intimacy with your spouse.
Reframe Your Thoughts: Challenge cultural or internal beliefs that place undue importance on sex. Understand that sex is a natural, human experience, not a marker of status or worth.
“My wife says that I want to have sex with her too often. But I’m a man, so I want to have sex more than she does. Isn’t it reasonable for her to accommodate that need and have sex with me a little more often than she might prefer? After all, I am her husband.”
This is another challenging topic that requires a shift in thinking. While it’s natural for sexual desires and needs to vary between partners, it’s crucial to remember that sex is optional, not a need. It’s a choice that both partners should feel comfortable and willing to engage in, not something that should be done out of obligation or a sense of duty.
Approaching your sexual desires from a place of entitlement can be damaging. It’s important to recognize that just because you have a desire for sex doesn’t mean your spouse is obligated to fulfill that desire on demand.
Instead, focus on building a fulfilling life outside of sex, one that’s rich in meaning, connection, and personal growth. Fill your life with things that bring joy, fulfillment, and achievement.
When you do this, you’ll find that your need for sex diminishes, and you’re better able to appreciate it as a shared experience rather than a personal entitlement.
“I don’t find my wife very attractive. I see that as a major reason for my addiction to porn. If she just [lost some weight, exercised, took better care of herself, dolled herself up, etc.] then I wouldn’t have a need to go to porn.”
It’s essential to be brutally honest with yourself here: Your wife's appearance is not the cause of your porn/sex addiction.
This addiction isn't about how someone else looks; it's about how you’re choosing to cope with deeper emotional and mental challenges.
Redirecting focus from your wife’s appearance to your own internal work is a vital step in overcoming porn addiction.
Your journey to recovery will be much more fruitful if you let go of any desires to control or change your wife’s appearance.
Instead, focus on your personal growth—mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
As you progress in your recovery, you might find that your perception of attractiveness shifts naturally, guided by a more selfless and supportive view.
Final Thoughts on Porn Addiction, Marriage, and Overcoming Sexual Obsession
Overcoming pornography addiction, especially within the context of a marriage, is a complex journey that requires a deep commitment to personal growth and transformation. It involves challenging long-held beliefs, reframing sexual experiences, and learning to connect with your spouse on a deeper level.
Remember that recovery is a journey, not a destination. Each step you take towards understanding your addiction, building healthier habits, and fostering a more intimate relationship with your spouse brings you closer to breaking free of porn addiction.
By focusing on emotional connection, mindfulness, open communication, and a selfless approach to intimacy, you can begin to reclaim your life and your marriage, experiencing a more fulfilling relationship and greater internal peace.
For the ultimate guidebook to beat porn triggers, download my free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Porn Cravings.
You’ll learn 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits.
You can also check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn, where you’ll learn a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more…
So, head to nomoredesire.com, or hit the links in the description, to grab the Free Workshop or the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE
MORE ARTICLES
Transcription of Episode 66: When Wives Become Sex Objects | Porn Addiction in Marriage, and How a Man Overcomes Sexual Obsession